Wednesday, 21 October 2015

19.5 Things I Learned About Life from Watching ‘The Bachelorette Australia.’

'The Bachelorette Australia.'  It's been the best thing that's happened to Wednesdays since they got assigned the nickname 'Hump Day' and the best thing that's happened to Thursdays since they started getting shout-out credit for every "throwback" photo on social media.  It's more than that though.  It's more than the entree TV meal before my main dish of 'The Blacklist' arrives.  It's even more than a wonderful opportunity to sit in on people's dates and watch as things either go so right or oh so wrong.  It's an opportunity to laugh and to learn as well.  So, from 'bro codes' to 'group dates' to just generally "being there for the right reasons", here are 19.5 things I've learned about life from watching this season of 'The Bachelorette Australia.'

1.    If you put 14 guys in a house with one girl, all of them will fall in love with her.  Seriously!?  You ALL felt a connection with Sam!?  Not even one of you was a bit like “meh, I guess she’s okay.  Not really my type but I love the house”!?  Does no one respect the sacred laws of probability!?

2.    The two things guys love more than anything are roses and kissing.  Seriously, get us in a lounge room together and it’s all we talk about.  Oh, and we talk about dates, but only because that’s the best place to combine the roses and the kissing.

Now we get to talk about it over cocktails tonight boys!!!

3.    Roses have massive power for ensuring people don’t leave your house.  It's like receiving a new invitation for the same sleepover party everyday and you just can't help but say "yes!"  And I’m talking real roses not just ‘Roses’ chocolates.

4.    It’s super important to reiterate when out on a date with a girl that you’re there for the right reasons.  ESPECIALLY if you’re not.  I’m not even sure what the right reasons are, no one does.  Make sure you don’t mumble either, because the last think you need your date thinking is that you’re only out for dinner with her for the “white raisins.”

5.    I own the most boring suits ever.  I don’t own one that’s tailored to within an inch of its life, I don’t own one that’s multi-coloured and I definitely don’t own one that looks like it’s made from the shiny blue material found on the inside of my dad’s guitar case.  There’s “peacocking” and then there’s this.  It’s like over-groomed peacocks “peacocking” in suits made by Roger David.

This show should be called 'Suits' and 'Suits' should be called 'The Bachelor/Bachelorette.'

6.    When men get in a group and compete for the affections of one woman, they develop clairvoyant abilities.  That's why you hear all the bachelors saying things like “I can see my future with Sam”, “I definitely see a future with Sam.”  That’s all good and well that you can see so far ahead of you both, but right now if you could just slip me next week’s lotto numbers, yeah that’d be ace.

7.    The road to the 'friend zone' is paved with compliments and there are no roses growing beside it.  If you’re sitting opposite a girl and she’s telling you that you’re “so lovely” or “such a sweetheart”, you can be sure you’re either in the 'friend zone' already, or you’re in the far right over-taking lane, in the back seat of a car she’s driving and speeding to get you there.

8.    If you attach “ey” onto the end of your name, a girl looking for a serious relationship will now look at you like her misfortunate “special” younger brother who still has to be home-schooled once a week.  On top of that, ALL of the viewing audience will think you’re an obnoxious little tosser.  Prime example; ‘Plumber Dave’ Vs ‘Dummy Davey.’

'No Man's Land' face: The look you give when you can't swim to 'Relationship Island' but you're locked out of the 'Friend Zone' as well.

9.    You can play as fast and loose with your profession as you want when on a date.  As long as you got paid to do something once, you can claim it as your profession.  I’m looking at you Michael “professional footballer” Turnbull.  Me personally, I’ve MC’d for the band ‘Little Mix’ – therefore I was on stage with them – therefore I was in ‘Little Mix’.  Solid.  At least lie and say your dad is the new Australian Prime Minister dude!

10.    Employment in Australia will never be an issue because there are so many jobs out there that I had no idea even existed.  What is a ‘rope access technician’ Richie!?

11.    The bigger the ratio of guys to girls in one place, the more the collective I.Q points of the male contingent drops deep into double digits.  And when that happens, if you’re a single guy near an attractive girl and there are cameras on you, beware because they are capable of making you do anything!  “Oh what, you want me to wrestle topless playfully with these puppies on national TV while a cameraman takes photos for no catalogue whatsoever AND I don't get paid?  Why of course, please show me to my patch of grass!”  Heaven forbid you’re a bachelor who’s a coeliac, because you will definitely eat a loaf of Tip Top white bread if you think it’ll get you a rose.

Will & Zoolander have a lot in common.
Neither of them have any idea how they found themselves in these positions.

12.    If you’re a guy that doesn’t come from a broken home or you don’t have an uncomfortably intimate relationship with your mum, you’re in the minority apparently.  Seriously, your mum is your best friend dude?  Either you’re just making that up to earn ‘Bachelorette points’ or you went to the worst primary school ever.  PS; I think I just found out why you’re still looking for love.  It's because love knows where you are, what you and mum get up to when you’re there and it’s hiding from you.

Looking for love is hard with such tiny eyes.

13.    The number one fear in society is not ‘public speaking’, it’s apparently ‘heartbreak.’  Everyone on this show is afraid of having their heart broken!  How is that even possible?  Have none of you ever watched the Stephen King movie 'It' and then tried to go the circus at night?  How, when Sam asked what their biggest fear was, did no one seriously say “clowns and the secrets the dark streets of Melbourne’s western suburbs hide?”

14.    Girls love when guys take them on really extravagant dates and guys love going with girls on really extravagant dates when other people organise and pay for them.  “Today, we’re having a 5-course degustation lunch, on top of Mt. Kosciuszko where we’ll be taken by helicopter.”  It’s pretty much the adult equivalent of when you’re a little kid and you ask your mum for money so you can go buy her a birthday present.  Except, unlike now, you didn’t want to sleep with your mum when you gave her the present.  Well, maybe Richie did.

Because neither love nor cash grows on trees.

15.    Guys who are desperate to get a girl to like them or guys who have a really limited vocabulary, love paying compliments that sound super cheesy, aren’t based on physical appearance and are as much the opposite of sexual as they can think of.  Hearing a guy tell you that you have a “beautiful soul” or “amazing spirit” should raise red flags that he’s either dropped out of high school before VCE, he thinks you’re a ghost or he wants to “give you his long-stemmed rose.”

16.    If you have tiny eyes, bleach your teeth so they’re whiter than an albino’s bikini line and dress like you took jeans from a child’s wardrobe and a dressing gown from your nanna’s bathroom, it’s okay as long as you have a cool profession.  It’s like Barney Stinson’s ‘Crazy/Hot’ scale; if you dress ‘this poorly’, you must have ‘this cool’ an occupation to make up for it.  However made-up it may be.

No caption required.  Worth several thousand words.

17.    Guys under the age of 25 make really annoying boyfriends apparently!  I had no idea about this when I was a guy under the age of 25!  This is because they haven’t got the balance right between ‘loving & loveable’ and ‘over-bearing & unbearable.’  Davey is the prime example because he just gives you the impression you’re not getting a boyfriend, you’re getting a big child.  Like he’d smother you with too much affection but then do annoying stuff like leaving floaters in the toilet and crumbs around the house.

18.    'The Bachelorette Australia' is maybe a tad racist.  Maybe I’m wrong.  I mean, what better way to display the rich multicultural diversity of Australian society than to have a single white woman choose between 14 single white men, three of whom are called “Dave” or a variation on that name.  If it was any more ocker at times, every episode would open with the bachelors having a beer with Alf Stewart in the Summer Bay diner.  This looks less like the “Bachelorette Mansion” and more like “Bogan Island.

Oral-B isn't the only thing super white about 'The Bachelorette Australia 2015'.

19.   It’s okay for you to frequent a brothel/escort service.  It’s not seedy as long as you refer to it as just a “one episode Bachelor/Bachelorette special.”  The difference is, when you make your choice, you only give away one rose... except it’s actually not a rose, it’s a cash payment.

19.5.    And finally - overalls have definitely not made a comeback, and even when they were in fashion, my sister and I wore them better.  Boom!

Because we were the shit long before overalls were shit.

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