Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Dude, Where's My Tesla?

I’m not going to beat around the bush – I love Tesla Motors.  I love them like a fat hipster child likes gluten-free cake.  Honestly, I would let them tattoo their logo onto my body if in exchange, they gave me a Tesla car.  I say this because given the price of one of their cars at the moment, I figure a tattoo on my body will get me the Tesla Model S before my signature on a cheque does.

Now if you don’t yet know about Tesla Motors, then I hope this article finds you well, beneath that rock you’ve been living under for the last few years.  That might sound harsh, but saying you’ve “never heard of Tesla” tends to evoke the same response as when your mum asks you “what’s a ‘Google’?”

To get you up to speed (excuse the pun); Tesla Motors is a car company that’s revolutionising the electric car market.  It’s named after Serbian inventor NikolaTesla, is based on technology he developed in 1882, and having been founded in 2003, it’s a precocious little 12-year-old that loves playing with cars and dreams of doing big things.  So to celebrate almost one year since the company opened its first showroom in Melbourne, let me take you through the checklist of what I think makes Tesla so fantastic.  Think of this as a reverse ‘roadworthy check’ because after reading it, we may have to check if our roads are Teslaworthy.

   The Name

For starters, the company carries the name of one of the greatest minds in history – Nikola Tesla.  Just based on that, if you have the money you should buy this car.  Otherwise, how often do you get to do this?  The answer is NEVER, because I'm pretty sure there’s no such thing as a ‘Stephen Hawking sedan’ or an ‘Einstein SUV’ out there on the road.


The Tesla cars have fewer emissions than a doctored Volkswagen car test.  They honestly couldn’t be any more environmentally friendly if they stopped automatically to hug every tree they drove past and their engines ran on the sweat of hippies.  A motor vehicle hasn't had a smaller carbon tyreprint since Fred Flintstone’s family car.  A Tesla could even help you land the greeny girl or boy of your dreams, without having to use exclusively hemp-based products and attend music festivals that require you to sleep in a tent on a farm.  When it comes down to it, you can’t fault a car that both looks good and is good for the environment.  It’s an almost unbelievable combination!  It’s like dating a beautiful supermodel and then finding out she enjoys a low cost of living and she farts wi-fi signal.

   Running Costs

With the super charge, you’ll actually be able to half-charge your car in 20 minutes or do a full charge in under an hour.  To put that into perspective, it takes almost twice as long to charge an iPhone and the battery in that will in all likelihood go flat before the battery in a Tesla.  Oh and it’s free to re-charge too.  That means you could literally turn your powernap on that long drive into a powernap for your car too.  For most people, this eliminates the need to ever buy petrol again.  We charge our phones, our computers and now our cars.  You don’t have a jerry can for your Toshiba, why would you have it for you Tesla.

   'Cool Factor'

Tesla’s proven that electric cars can be cool and it’s made the Toyota Prius look like the unfortunate cousin that never lived-up to its full potential.  The cousin no one really likes to talk about, much less spend time travelling with.  Or to paint a clearer picture for my readers who (like myself) were in school during the 90s, Tesla is the kid that arrives in the schoolyard and is rocking matte-look wax in their hair when everyone else is still sporting undercuts and wet-look gel.  It’s the James Dean of the automotive industry and you could call Tesla Motors the “rebel with the cars.”  It's no mean feat that Tesla’s even managed to combine the prestige of being seen in a luxury car with the unabashed joy of driving a dodgem car.  They’ve made an elegant car powered by electricity that you can have fun driving, while eliminating the emphasis on collisions and carnies jumping on board without permission.  It’ll mean you’re driving something nice enough to get you accepted into high-end valet parking, but environmentally friendly enough that it won’t be vandalised by activists when you’re driving out.


Depending on the model, a Tesla can travel around 500 kilometres on a single charge.  The last thing that was able to go that far using just electricity was fictional and named ‘Thor’.  And before you complain that you’d like it to have a bigger range, relax.  If you’re travelling more than 500 kilometres in a single day, you’re going to need to pull over for a rest and you can charge it then.  And if you’re in that much of a hurry that you want to drive more than 500 kilometres without stopping, you don’t need a Tesla, you need Virgin Airlines!


Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk is perhaps the coolest CEO of any company... ever.  He’s like Steve Jobs combined with Richard Branson mixed with Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne.  He’s an inventor with a successful and innovative company, he’s associated with a cool car, he’s appeared on The Simpsons and in all likelihood he has a servant named ‘Alfred.’  And if you don't believe me, Morgan Freeman AND George Clooney drive Teslas and both of them were in Batman films!  (*Cue dramatic "dum dum duuuum" sound effect).  Another #thuglife fact; Musk has reduced his salary from $78.2 million in 2012 to $1 in 2015.

Do you hear that?  That’s the sound of every nurse and public school teacher reading this quitting their bitching for a second.  Essentially, the difference between his pay and that of a sweatshop worker – stock options.  Nike should get onto that.

   The Speed of No Sound

These cars are quiet, yet they’re fast – like they’re '0-100kph in 3.1 seconds' fast.  That’s quicker than a Porsche 911 and an Audi R8, meaning you could potentially be the quietest and fastest street racer ever.  Tesla Motors has even made the fastest 4-door sedan in the world.  You know what that means – family drag racing night!  And if drag racing isn’t your thing, enjoy this; these cars are quiet enough for you to clearly hear the kids ask from the backseat “are we there yet?” but they’re quick enough for you to be able to respond immediately with “we’ve already arrived, now get out of the car and stop hitting your sister.”  The Tesla's essentially the silent disco of the automotive industry – a fun time had with no complaints from the neighbours.

   Parts & Accessories

In addition to being all the fun of a toy for grown-ups and unlike most of the toys you nagged your parents into buying you as a child, the Teslas have no assembly required, the batteries are included and there are minimal parts and accessories.  In fact, a Tesla only has six parts that need regular replacement; four tyres and two wiper blades.  That’s less than most elderly people!  It’s also even less up-keep than the NutriBullet and you won’t look like a tosser when you tell your friends you bought one of these.

   Did I mention how cool it is?

Let me repeat something in case it didn’t sink in before – a Tesla car just beat a V8 Supercar in a drag race… twice.  That’s something with a battery beating something that runs off fuel, oils and gases.  Theoretically that shouldn’t even be possible, but it is.  It’s the underdog of the automotive industry and at this rate, soon kids are going to be reading a new book in school entitled “The Little Tesla That Could.”  If Janis Joplin were alive today, she’d have forgotten about Mercedes and she’d be singing “oh lord won’t you buy me a Tesla.”

   Technology & Design

Tesla cars are like a smartphone that you can drive as opposed to everyone else who’s basically got a Nokia 3310 and talking about how happy they are with the new version of 'Snake'.  Oh and some of the cars now even have the option of ‘autopilot mode.’  Autopilot mode!  For when you want to be your own backseat driver.  Okay so maybe you can’t actually get in the backseat and let the car drive you on its own, but you can at least have a good sneeze or lengthy pick of your nose without fear that by doing so, you’re going to drive up the rear of the car in front of you.  Either way, congratulations!  You’re officially the owner of your own fully functioning 'Transformer.'  Even better, it doesn’t come with Shia LaBeouf and it has no intention of starting a robot war with other cars.

Overall Rating 


So there you have it, from business model to product design and from concept to reality, it’s clear that Tesla’s the good guy company in a world full of Bond villain organisations.  One thing’s for sure though, there’s a heck of a lot more than just 007 reasons to love them.

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