19.5 Things I Learned About Life from Watching ‘The Bachelorette Australia.’

'The Bachelorette Australia.'  It's been the best thing that's happened to Wednesdays since they got assigned the nickname 'Hump Day' and the best thing that's happened to Thursdays since they started getting shout-out credit for every "throwback" photo on social media.  It's more than that though.  It's more than the entree TV meal before my main dish of 'The Blacklist' arrives.  It's even more than a wonderful opportunity to sit in on people's dates and watch as things either go so right or oh so wrong.  It's an opportunity to laugh and to learn as well.  So, from 'bro codes' to 'group dates' to just generally "being there for the right reasons", here are 19.5 things I've learned about life from watching this season of 'The Bachelorette Australia.'

1.    If you put 14 guys in a house with one girl, all of them will fall in love with her.  Seriously!?  You ALL felt a connection with Sam!?  Not even one of you was a bit like “meh, I guess she’s okay.  Not really my type but I love the house”!?  Does no one respect the sacred laws of probability!?

2.    The two things guys love more than anything are roses and kissing.  Seriously, get us in a lounge room together and it’s all we talk about.  Oh, and we talk about dates, but only because that’s the best place to combine the roses and the kissing.

Now we get to talk about it over cocktails tonight boys!!!

3.    Roses have massive power for ensuring people don’t leave your house.  It's like receiving a new invitation for the same sleepover party everyday and you just can't help but say "yes!"  And I’m talking real roses not just ‘Roses’ chocolates.

4.    It’s super important to reiterate when out on a date with a girl that you’re there for the right reasons.  ESPECIALLY if you’re not.  I’m not even sure what the right reasons are, no one does.  Make sure you don’t mumble either, because the last think you need your date thinking is that you’re only out for dinner with her for the “white raisins.”

5.    I own the most boring suits ever.  I don’t own one that’s tailored to within an inch of its life, I don’t own one that’s multi-coloured and I definitely don’t own one that looks like it’s made from the shiny blue material found on the inside of my dad’s guitar case.  There’s “peacocking” and then there’s this.  It’s like over-groomed peacocks “peacocking” in suits made by Roger David.

This show should be called 'Suits' and 'Suits' should be called 'The Bachelor/Bachelorette.'

6.    When men get in a group and compete for the affections of one woman, they develop clairvoyant abilities.  That's why you hear all the bachelors saying things like “I can see my future with Sam”, “I definitely see a future with Sam.”  That’s all good and well that you can see so far ahead of you both, but right now if you could just slip me next week’s lotto numbers, yeah that’d be ace.

7.    The road to the 'friend zone' is paved with compliments and there are no roses growing beside it.  If you’re sitting opposite a girl and she’s telling you that you’re “so lovely” or “such a sweetheart”, you can be sure you’re either in the 'friend zone' already, or you’re in the far right over-taking lane, in the back seat of a car she’s driving and speeding to get you there.

8.    If you attach “ey” onto the end of your name, a girl looking for a serious relationship will now look at you like her misfortunate “special” younger brother who still has to be home-schooled once a week.  On top of that, ALL of the viewing audience will think you’re an obnoxious little tosser.  Prime example; ‘Plumber Dave’ Vs ‘Dummy Davey.’

'No Man's Land' face: The look you give when you can't swim to 'Relationship Island' but you're locked out of the 'Friend Zone' as well.

9.    You can play as fast and loose with your profession as you want when on a date.  As long as you got paid to do something once, you can claim it as your profession.  I’m looking at you Michael “professional footballer” Turnbull.  Me personally, I’ve MC’d for the band ‘Little Mix’ – therefore I was on stage with them – therefore I was in ‘Little Mix’.  Solid.  At least lie and say your dad is the new Australian Prime Minister dude!

10.    Employment in Australia will never be an issue because there are so many jobs out there that I had no idea even existed.  What is a ‘rope access technician’ Richie!?

11.    The bigger the ratio of guys to girls in one place, the more the collective I.Q points of the male contingent drops deep into double digits.  And when that happens, if you’re a single guy near an attractive girl and there are cameras on you, beware because they are capable of making you do anything!  “Oh what, you want me to wrestle topless playfully with these puppies on national TV while a cameraman takes photos for no catalogue whatsoever AND I don't get paid?  Why of course, please show me to my patch of grass!”  Heaven forbid you’re a bachelor who’s a coeliac, because you will definitely eat a loaf of Tip Top white bread if you think it’ll get you a rose.

Will & Zoolander have a lot in common.
Neither of them have any idea how they found themselves in these positions.

12.    If you’re a guy that doesn’t come from a broken home or you don’t have an uncomfortably intimate relationship with your mum, you’re in the minority apparently.  Seriously, your mum is your best friend dude?  Either you’re just making that up to earn ‘Bachelorette points’ or you went to the worst primary school ever.  PS; I think I just found out why you’re still looking for love.  It's because love knows where you are, what you and mum get up to when you’re there and it’s hiding from you.

Looking for love is hard with such tiny eyes.

13.    The number one fear in society is not ‘public speaking’, it’s apparently ‘heartbreak.’  Everyone on this show is afraid of having their heart broken!  How is that even possible?  Have none of you ever watched the Stephen King movie 'It' and then tried to go the circus at night?  How, when Sam asked what their biggest fear was, did no one seriously say “clowns and the secrets the dark streets of Melbourne’s western suburbs hide?”

14.    Girls love when guys take them on really extravagant dates and guys love going with girls on really extravagant dates when other people organise and pay for them.  “Today, we’re having a 5-course degustation lunch, on top of Mt. Kosciuszko where we’ll be taken by helicopter.”  It’s pretty much the adult equivalent of when you’re a little kid and you ask your mum for money so you can go buy her a birthday present.  Except, unlike now, you didn’t want to sleep with your mum when you gave her the present.  Well, maybe Richie did.

Because neither love nor cash grows on trees.

15.    Guys who are desperate to get a girl to like them or guys who have a really limited vocabulary, love paying compliments that sound super cheesy, aren’t based on physical appearance and are as much the opposite of sexual as they can think of.  Hearing a guy tell you that you have a “beautiful soul” or “amazing spirit” should raise red flags that he’s either dropped out of high school before VCE, he thinks you’re a ghost or he wants to “give you his long-stemmed rose.”

16.    If you have tiny eyes, bleach your teeth so they’re whiter than an albino’s bikini line and dress like you took jeans from a child’s wardrobe and a dressing gown from your nanna’s bathroom, it’s okay as long as you have a cool profession.  It’s like Barney Stinson’s ‘Crazy/Hot’ scale; if you dress ‘this poorly’, you must have ‘this cool’ an occupation to make up for it.  However made-up it may be.

No caption required.  Worth several thousand words.

17.    Guys under the age of 25 make really annoying boyfriends apparently!  I had no idea about this when I was a guy under the age of 25!  This is because they haven’t got the balance right between ‘loving & loveable’ and ‘over-bearing & unbearable.’  Davey is the prime example because he just gives you the impression you’re not getting a boyfriend, you’re getting a big child.  Like he’d smother you with too much affection but then do annoying stuff like leaving floaters in the toilet and crumbs around the house.

18.    'The Bachelorette Australia' is maybe a tad racist.  Maybe I’m wrong.  I mean, what better way to display the rich multicultural diversity of Australian society than to have a single white woman choose between 14 single white men, three of whom are called “Dave” or a variation on that name.  If it was any more ocker at times, every episode would open with the bachelors having a beer with Alf Stewart in the Summer Bay diner.  This looks less like the “Bachelorette Mansion” and more like “Bogan Island.”

Oral-B isn't the only thing super white about 'The Bachelorette Australia 2015'.

19.   It’s okay for you to frequent a brothel/escort service.  It’s not seedy as long as you refer to it as just a “one episode Bachelor/Bachelorette special.”  The difference is, when you make your choice, you only give away one rose... except it’s actually not a rose, it’s a cash payment.

19.5.    And finally - overalls have definitely not made a comeback, and even when they were in fashion, my sister and I wore them better.  Boom!

Because we were the shit long before overalls were shit.

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Bach-man: The Dark Knight Surprises

Now that you’ve all had a week to deal with the fallout of the ‘Bachelor’ finale, it’s time to look at whether the writing was on the mansion wall for this ‘creek tragedy’ much earlier.  I say ‘creek tragedy’ rather than ‘Greek tragedy’ of course because of the uniquely Australian spin employed here; a bloke dates numerous women simultaneously and then breaks-up with one overseas within weeks of proposing.  Here’s a quick look at some of the reasons why this fairy tale (short of the final episode being set in Bangkok) was never going to have a happy ending.

First and foremost ladies; don’t mistake meeting a douchebag in a rented mansion for meeting prince charming in a royal palace.  No successful monogamous relationship has ever started in a mansion.  They’ve ended there and they’ve visited there, but they’ve never started there.  If you want a mansion-based love affair, put on bunny ears and hope when Hugh Hefner scraps your name and replaces it with a number, you’re at least in the top 50.

Secondly, how did any of the viewing audience or competing bachelorettes think a show based around letting the male make all of the choices was going to end well?  Any girlfriend, wife, sister or ‘gal-pal’ that’s ever asked a straight man to choose which of her two dress options he prefers, would know that making executive decisions is not in a straight male’s skill set.  It ranks right up there with sharing our feelings and remembering anniversaries.  How did you think getting him to choose from 24 options would turn out well?  For crying out loud, host ‘Osher/Andrew/G/Gunsberg’ can’t even decide on which name he wants to go by!

 

While we’re on the topic of choices, whose brilliant idea was it to send the girls to South Africa for ‘Le Grande dumping’!?  South Africa; the country that gave us the 'vuvuzela', apartheid and the villains of ‘Lethal Weapon 2’.  The only way this whole experience could have ruined my memories of ‘The Lion King’ more, was if Blake had dumped Lisa and then immediately pushed her off pride rock.  The symbolism was there; elephant bones, red sand and an environment where a cactus would struggle to grow – what made you think love could?  If you got called into your boss’s office and it looked like that, you’d know you were getting made redundant before you were getting a heartfelt marriage proposal.  Not since Prince William and Kate’s Australian visit has a couple had to sit through more native tribal dances.  Sorry Channel Ten, but if I want to see heartbreak on the African continent, I’ll watch ‘Blood Diamond’ or simply tell my sponsor child his drawings are shit and I’m stopping payments.

 

 

Also, sorry to crush the illusion for the girls at home and in the house, but Blake didn’t organise the dates.  I know, I know, it's the news heartbreak is made of but then again, the truth both hurts and heals.  If that was part of the attraction, you should’ve focused your affections on the producer or the work experience kid who died a little inside every time you or one of the Bachelorettes uttered the words, “Awww Blake put together this beautifully romantic date”.  If you listened carefully after each time someone said it, you could hear ‘Jason the intern’ shouting off camera, “alright next time Blake can try driving out to Narre Warren looking for a store that stocks candleholders suitable for replicating a Thai sunset!”

Side note:  never trust a man who sounds like he’s getting a chunk of the band Journey’s royalties every time he mentions their name.  Blake mentioned the word “journey” so many times, I started to think he was saying ‘Germany’ and I assumed the final episode would be filmed in Munich at Oktoberfest.  In fact, what should have happened is that every time Blake mentioned the Bachelorettes being on this ‘journey’ with him, each girl should have gotten 20,000 frequent flyer points.  You’re not a hobbit mate, this isn’t Middle-Earth and you’re not on a journey.  I mean sure it did end up with you grabbing a ring, but that’s by-the-by.

People believing all along that Blake was a nice guy and how wrong they were is essentially a very good explanation for how Ivan Milat was able to get backpackers into his car and how Tony Abbott was able to get elected Prime Minister.  A vast majority of the Australian public are to judging character what ISIS is to peaceful protest.  With all due respect to Blake, you don’t get to claim a broken heart if you’re the douche that causes it.  And if you do feel pain in your heart, it’s in all likelihood a result of steroid abuse rather than disappointment at love lost. 

 

The question needs to be asked – do people who are desperate to meet someone even need shows like ‘The Bachelor’ anymore?  With the rise of programs and applications such as Tinder, Grindr, Facebook and Instagram, it seems ‘dating shows’ are being made obsolete by what I’m labelling ‘relationsh-apps’.  Not sure if I can trademark that but it certainly gives credence to the theory that ‘The Bachelor’ is potentially more of a tool for people trying to find fame rather than look for love.  Word to the wise; don’t let your sibling or daughter go on a show where she competes with other women for the affections of one man.  It’s demeaning and probably quite damaging.  We shouldn’t have ‘The Bachelor’.  What we should have is a show, with a similar format called, ‘The Bachelor Degree’.  A show where 24 women compete for university degrees while fending off the advances of a creepy guy with a voice like ‘Love Song Dedications’ host, Richard Mercer.

 

Regardless of where you stand on the issue, be it ‘Team Sam’ or ‘Team Blake’, one thing’s for certain; people haven’t turned against a bachelor this much since Jesus.  And he at least left the booming voice and process of eliminating people he didn’t like, to his dad.  I will say this though; if you’re disappointed in ‘The Bachelor’ finale, you should really be disappointed that you ever invested so much interest in it in the first place.  It’s like investing more money in a 'pyramid scheme' each week and then blaming the scheme when it goes under and takes all of your money with it.


In the end, we can say two things with absolute certainty; the first being that whether or not the claims about there being no sex in the ‘Bachelor Mansion’ are true or false, the viewers at least got well and truly screwed... and they didn’t even get a rose.  The second – no girls are going to be shining the 'Bach signal' into the night sky for Blake any time soon.