Okay, that might be a bit harsh, but it definitely eats you up a little inside if you’re single, even if you never admit it to yourself or others. It’s the reason February 14th a.k.a “Valentine’s Day” is the day of the year where single people basically turn into bears; either they go quietly into hibernation, or they venture out attacking couples happily picnicking. Single people seem to hate Valentine’s Day so much, I’m waiting for the next date change campaign after the Australia Day one to be a campaign led to change the leap year rules so we keep February 29th but scrap February 14th. In case you still haven’t quite grasped the spirit of Valentine’s Day, you know that uncomfortable 10 seconds right before midnight on New Year’s Eve when you realise you’re the only person counting down who’s not going to have anyone to kiss when the counter ticks to zero? Yeah well, Valentine’s Day is basically a day built around that feeling. I say all of this as a single person myself and it’s why I’m going to try to make you understand why Valentine’s Day deserves to be taken out of the “friend zone”.
|Which side of the speed-dating table do you sit on?|
So it’s Valentine’s Day. A day to celebrate those in a relationship and to encourage those who aren’t to find someone to be in one with. A day that lovers of comedy will appreciate this year appropriately fell on a “hump day”. It’s arguably the greatest example of a day where couples are assisted in getting together since Noah loaded up his ark two by two. Now before you climb-up alone on your high horse, let me just say this – if you don’t believe that February 14th is a day meant exclusively for couples, how’s this for a fun fact; George Washington Gale Ferris, inventor of the Ferris Wheel, an activity that is designed specifically with the intention of seating two people next to each other for a good time was born on Valentine’s Day! Added to that, Alexander Graham Bell filed his patent of invention of the telephone on Valentine’s Day as well. The telephone! Something based around communication with another human being. So accept the day for what it is and open-up a box of Roses chocolates while you keep reading and hear me out.
The only reason I’ll accept for truly hating Valentine’s Day is the fact that it’s not a public holiday. If you’re expected to celebrate love, you should at least be given the time to put in some groundwork. There are only two reasons you have to possibly hate Valentine’s Day – either you’re excluded by it or you feel too much pressure to be included in it. Either you have no one to spend it with or have to spend too much on someone. Basically, either you’re single or you’re cynical. If it’s that you’re single, so what!? So you’re single. So you feel a little left out for one day of the year. You know how envious you are of your friends in relationships on Valentine’s Day? Well that’s probably how they feel about you at Bucks Party or Hens Night! Stop taking it out on Valentine’s Day because you feel lonely for one more day. If diabetics are keeping a lid on it while the rest of us celebrate World Nutella Day, you can do the same today. Shout-out to red heads as well who’ve never once campaigned to change the name of “Sunday”.
|Valentine's day is linked to some serious achievements of human kind... including reproduction.|
Not to say there aren’t the singles that make the effort. In a study I made-up for the purpose of this point, the level of denial in the air increases 1700% on Valentine’s Day. If you’re single, either you’re hating on this 24hrs you’re a part of or not a part of, or you’re going out of your way to express how you’re totally happy with where you’re at and are actually totally enjoying being single. Just remember; canning Valentine’s Day just because you’re single and other people aren’t is a lot like bagging out an awesome party just because you weren’t invited to it. Sure it sucks not having someone to share Valentine’s Day with, but heaps of stuff sucks when you don’t have anyone to do it with; playing tennis, synchronized swimming, rap battling, watching Married At First Sight. Suck it up, stop blaming Feb 14th and go buy yourself ‘Totem Tennis’ kit.
|One way or another, you're going to need to get some game.|
On the other hand, you could be in a relationship but adhere to the belief that Valentine’s Day is a made-up “corporate holiday” created by Hallmark. And so what if it is!? They’re a family-owned company based in Missouri that also owns Crayola. Even if the worst thing they’ve done is create crayons and a day for people to get together, that’s arguably better than anything your family has ever created. You can’t even organise an argument-free family picnic! Meanwhile these guys have been responsible for more unions and pregnancies than alcohol. Even it’s a manufactured holiday, enjoy the awesome absurdity of it. It’s a day based around a misrepresentation of what the human heart actually looks like and a chubby male baby with wings shooting arrows and helping people get together, which now that I think about it is probably where the term “wingman” come from. Quote me on that.
Whether you’re single or in a relationship on Valentine’s Day, when you moan about it and when you say things like “well I try to show my love every day of the year not just on that day”, it’s the equivalent of seeing photos of barbecues on Australia Day and then posting on Facebook how you “eat a snag, smash a beer and selectively ignore the way Australia was colonised every day of the year, not just January 26th!”
|Sentence 1, Page 1 in the "Valentine's Day Denial Guide".|
With all of this in mind, let’s take a moment to recognise all the good things Valentine’s Day gives us while asking for nothing it return. For starters, it helps support the dying industry of “snail mail” and it gives everyone two free lines of poetry to finish how we see fit. Thankyou red roses and blue violets! Most admirably though, it’s a day where every creepy stalker for one day gets to break out of their restraining order cocoon and transform into a “secret Valentine”, only until midnight though when their ankle monitor turns back on like some seedy Cinderella. It’s also a day that provides girls with the opportunity to get beautiful bouquets of flowers without having to fight over just the one bouquet against a big group of other girls at a wedding reception.
Public displays of affection are tough to take unless you’re a participant rather than just a witness, and Valentine’s Day is basically “PDA Day”. To quote Ron Burgundy, “it’s just science”. So instead of being bitter, be sweet. If that doesn’t work, maybe make your own holiday based solely around celebrating being single and just enjoying the company of an alcoholic beverage and call it “Ballantine’s Day” if you have to.
|Yes, yes, a thousand times YES! Fact: We all want someone who looks at us the way Marty Crane looks at a Ballantine.|
Now, if you’re single and still not likely to change your tune on Valentine’s Day, here are 7 jabs that aim straight for the love heart of any of your attached friends whose romance is like one of Cupid’s arrows flying right into your eye and help you convince yourself you’re better off being single on this big day:
1. “I’m able to enjoy a large serving platter for two as an awesome main course for 1!”
2. “The only unwanted letter I have to worry about getting in the mail today is from a guy called “bill” and I have the option of paying some money within a month to make him go away.”
3. “You get overpriced flowers cut out of a supermarket bucket. I get free vegetables dug out of my migrant parents’ garden. Mine are delicious just with a bit of olive oil. Good luck eating yours with a bit of fetta cheese crumbled on top.”
4. “I can listen to an Adele song without reading too much into it.”
5. “I can watch 'The Notebook' on my own on this day of strong emotions and you will never know how I was affected by it.”
6. “If you find a piece of jewellery in your glass of champagne at a restaurant on Feb 14th, it’s a sign you’ll soon be dividing your assets. If I find any jewellery in my alcohol on Feb 14th it’s cause for a massive payout lawsuit.”
7. “You’re spending the day in the city buying up Belgian chocolates. I’m spending the night at home in my bonds pyjama shorts scoffing down Belgian waffles.”