10 (and a bit) Reasons You Should Absolutely Not Cheer for Novak Djokovic!

He’s the world number one who makes all of the players ranked below him look like a collective giant "number two".  In light of the fact that another series of Djokovic triumphs has us hearing a series of different criticisms from people trying to justify why they dislike him, I felt it only fair that I compile a list of a few criticisms that will finally outline some completely valid reasons for disliking the super-serving, rapid returner with the back-hand from the city Belgrade and the forehand from the land of 4C’s.

1.  ALL HE DOES IS WIN WIN WIN, NO MATTER WHAT!

Loyal Grand Slam customers get looked after if they make an 11th purchase.


Djokovic wins… a lot.  Like he wins pretty much everything.  Last year he had the most successful season in tennis history!  You’re not the only one with a pool room Djoker!  Wanna give someone else a chance!?  The ATP tour’s become a series of Djokovic re-runs.  People attending live Grand Slam finals have started turning to each other before the first serve and saying, “haven’t we already watched this match like 8 times?”  On top of that, again as winner of the Australian Open, he left with $3.8 million this year.  Now what one person calls “prize money”, someone else might call “regularly exceeding the amount of money one person is allowed to take out of the country.”  Whether he’ll appear on an episode of 'Border Patrol' anytime soon, we can’t say for sure.  What we can say for sure is just that it’s disappointing to see Eastern European migrants coming in and taking hard-working Aussie jobs!

2.  THE UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.

He grew up during a time when NATO and US forces were dropping depleted uranium on Serbia, soooo he’s probably radioactive.  It just doesn’t seem right to cheer for someone who appears to have radioactive superpowers and therefore an unfair advantage over the rest of the ATP players, am I right!?  He’s pretty much one of the X-Men.

3.  THE UNUSUAL YOUTH TRAINING.

Don't take my word for it, take mathematics' word for it.

The unfair training advantage of the support from NATO and the US doesn’t stop there.  For example, while Federer grew-up playing tennis at a Swiss estate where there was a pool, Djokovic grew-up playing tennis in an empty pool during a state of emergency.  While Murray was allowed to stop training when his coach blew the whistle, Djokovic was allowed to train until the army sounded the air raid siren.  It’s a level court so shouldn’t it be a level playing field?

4.  DIET AND DONATION.

Firstly, he’s single-handedly making Santa and the Easter Bunny look bad with his overwhelming generosity.  I mean following his 2016 Australian Open win, he donated $20,000 to Melbourne City Mission's early childhood learning program!  Where does he get off!?  Added to that, he’s gluten-free and he spends a lot of time helping sick children and the less fortunate.  You know what that means - he probably has a weak immune system and he’s in all likelihood contagious.  Yep, generous or contagious people!?  Stick with people like Rafa; who seems to only have some sort of anal itch, and Kyrgios; whose charity work is limited to getting his brother and mates free tickets to his games.  Really, they’re the healthier option.

5.  MUM’S THE WORD.

Someone's not getting bitty tonight!

He’s defeated Murray dozens of times in front of his mum.  In front of his own mum!  Do you know how much that strains a relationship between a mother and son when the son repeatedly flies the mother out to the other side of the world only to see him embarrassed on each occasion?!  I bet she can’t even look Andy in the eyes when she breastfeeds him anymore.

6.  MR. NICE GUY.

He’s a nice guy AND he’s the world No.1!  Has he no respect for the sacred “nice guys finish last” rule!  If Djokovic keeps up this kind of behaviour, it’s going to force the wider community to question their belief system in terms of success and more importantly, where are all of Nick Kyrgios’ supporters going to go!?  Also, let's not forget he’s a Serbian coached by a German.  Between the two men’s countries dominating basketball, football, waterpolo and volleyball just to name a few sports, now they’re taking over tennis as well!  With the Serbian talent for sporting domination combined with the German quest for world domination, the west is screwed if WW3 is a sporting event.

7.  HE DE-RAILED THE FED-EXPRESS:

Started from the top and now my whole crew here.

He’s better than Roger Federer.  Wait, or is it “Federerer”?  How many “er’s” are there in this dude’s name anyway!?  Meh, I digress – Novak, you aren’t allowed to be better than Roger Federer!  Do you know how hard it is to draw a double-headed eagle on a tri-colour flag with face paint!?  It’s certainly a lot harder than cheering “Go Roger!” and drawing a first aid sign on one's face with two colours (one if you’re sunburnt or really pale)!  When you’ve been told by the mainstream media for so long that Federer is the "greatest of all time" and you go and kit yourself out with the appropriate supporters’ gear based on that assumption, only to have it proven wrong, where does that leave you with your credit card debt from SwissSupportersShop.com!?  Where does that leave you and your house full of Swiss flags that make you look like you live in a battlefield hospital and your collection of ‘RF’ caps that make you look like the most epic supporter of the Rotary Foundation in history!?

8 (and a bit).  THE UNPREDICTABLE BEHAVIOUR.

What’s with his erratic behaviour too!?  Like when he applauds his opponent when he makes a good shot and then smiles happily when he wins?  I’m sorry, haven’t you learned anything from Federer?  Why can’t you just ignore the achievements of your opponent and then cry when you win?!

*Sidenote:  It’s also okay to say Djokovic is arrogant once you’ve decided you dislike him.  I haven’t really made Webster’s Dictionary my bed time reading choice of late, but I’m pretty sure it outlines the definition of ‘arrogance’ as; “the expression of happiness from a person you dislike following a success they have achieved in spite of your overt dislike for them.”  Yep, a safe bet is this; happy Djokovic = "arrogant", sad Djokovic = "sore loser".  How much better do you feel about yourself now!?  It’s like I just poured you an extra glass of weekend on a Monday morning!

9.  SOMETHING DOESN’T ADD UP.

I stand by my made-up, non-existent movie.

He’s a Serbian guy that beats the very Anglo opponents he faces.  So I imagine it’s a massive shock to most of you that this flies in the face of what you’ve no doubt learned watching movies like 'Behind Enemy Lines' and 'The Peacemaker' where the guy with the Slavic last name is always the bad guy and always loses.  This isn’t sport, this is fan fiction!

10.  HE’S A BAD HOUSEGUEST.

Djokovic has won six trophies and more prize money at the Australian Open than any other competitor.  So he comes to Australia, as our guest year-in year-out, and like inviting a kleptomaniac tradie over to your house after hours for dinner, you end-up paying him handsomely only to have him leave the country with your finest silverware.

So in the end, let’s not forget Djokovic is the world number one.  He’s the best in the world at his job.  Yet every time he comes to work, he’s got to deal with several hundred people cheering for the guy who’s just rocked-up trying to get him fired and take his job.  People who probably watch the movie ‘Happy Gilmore’ and cheer for Shooter McGavin over Happy Gilmore.  A Wimbledon crowd that probably cheers for Johnny Lawrence against Daniel LaRusso in ‘The Karate Kid’ and a capacity Arthur Ashe Stadium that in all likelihood when watching ‘Indiana Jones & the Raiders of The Lost Ark’, cheers for the rolling giant ball rather than Indy.

If you read this as a genuine “how to” guide, there’s a chance you might have a severe 'Fed-oepus complex' (where you want to eliminate Federer’s wife and have an intimate relationship with Roger).  If you laughed, share it with your friends, cheer for Nole and show everyone that the Djoker is the King.

The King is still well and truly in the building.

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13 Things that had us Mopin' at the Open

With a Djokovic win and a Sharapova grunt, the 2015 Australian Open comes to a close.  The first grand slam of the year and the perfect time of year for people who like their sports with no time limit or Australian representation in the final.  The time of year that we realise that at its core, tennis is more than a sport – it’s really the perfect metaphor for an unhappy marriage – two people start out with ‘love’, they spend time together going at it, but after a while they’re just two angry looking, exhausted individuals in court fighting over money, and seeing who gets to keep the ornate punchbowl and who has to be stuck with the silver drinks tray.  The doubles, well that's just double dates or swingers parties gone wrong.  So with that in mind and knowing there’s so much to love about the ‘happy slam’, with less expletives than commentary by Andy Murray’s other half, here’s a look at a few of the things that make us want to backhand the Australian Open and some of the decisions we'd like to call 'challenge' on.

When Corporate won't Cooperate

First and foremost, let’s address the issue of the vast number of empty corporate seats at most matches.  Sure you people have paid for it or slept with your boss for it so it’s yours to do with it what you will, so technically you can leave it unattended.  But that’s like you’ve broken up with your supermodel girlfriend who has a thing for tall guys of Eastern European background but you still won’t let me ask her out because you might be interested in her again later.  Realistically, the corporate and members area shouldn’t even be ticketed, it should be filled purely on the basis of “Who called ‘SHOTGUN!’”.  If that system was implemented, you would never see a late arrival to the tennis ever again or an empty seat on the baseline.  Knowing these morons, they probably have a hot wife that sleeps in a separate bed, a pool they don’t swim in and a Ferrari they never drive.  Perhaps what ticks us off the most about these empty seats is that no one is allowed to shift down and fill them.  It takes a special kind of douchebag to leave a seat that good empty.  Why have it if you can’t use it!?  It’s like Stephen Hawking having a private basketball court or Kim Kardashian owning her own private library.

The Commentators

While most get it right, you can always pick the commentator who makes it abundantly clear they’d really rather be watching a local Auskick clinic and couldn’t pick a tennis ball out of a sports ball police line-up (why were the sport balls in a police line-up you ask? – Because all were arrested for excessive speeding!  *insert dad joke drum beat here).  The one whose inability to pronounce player surnames correctly is surpassed only by their desire to pull out useless facts that leave you screaming at the TV screen, “thanks mate, but I’m not sure that Andy Murray’s fondness for the TV show ‘Entourage’ is what’s hampering his first serve percentage tonight.”  Let’s not over analyse every facet of the game – some players are good, some aren’t.  Yes this player changed a racquet in the third set, but it’s not exactly the most dramatic of turning points.  It’s not like he had to play out the rest of the match with a range of pans from the Jamie Oliver kitchenware collection.  “Sure the saucepan provides greater depth for top spin on the ball, but the hot-spot fry pan allows for a flatter forehand winner.”

The 'Fanatics'

The small group of green & gold-wearing Aussie supporters who look like a tennis ball threw-up on them.  The team who for one week a year ask for time off from Subway and their ‘captain’ takes time off from being a Corey Worthington impersonator, to distract some of the world's best as they take on some of Australia's best.  With their fluro colours and range of cheers, they kind of look like a boys’ church choir that grew-up, got hooked on party drugs and had trouble finding places to perform.

No Deal on Nadal

Having to listen to girls talk about how beautiful Rafael Nadal is.  That's the thing about Australia being so far away from Europe and the power of celebrity – it means a language with an in-built speech impediment is looked at as exotic and a receding hairline and bald spot are overlooked.  He's one career-ending knee injury away from having to set-up a Spanish ‘E-harmony’ account – ‘Si-harmonia’.  Before you dream of spending the rest of your life with Nadal ladies, imagine the reality of the situation; he has bad knees and his hands blister easily so getting him to do any of the work around the house is almost impossible, he sweats profusely so he’s always doing a load of washing and his English is horrible so every time he calls you for something, you end-up hanging up thinking it’s a call centre operator.

Those Living Aboard the "Fed-Express"

Roger Federer has all the precision and personality of Robocop or the Terminator with a tennis racquet.  In fact, the only thing that makes me believe Federer is human is that we’ve seen him cry so many times, and even then I’m surprised he didn’t rust.  People that cheer for Roger Federer over anyone else were probably also cheering for Shooter McGavin when they watched the movie “Happy Gilmore”.  Yes, I said it – Roger Federer is the ‘Shooter McGavin’ of men’s tennis.  If you have a friend that’s a die hard Federer supporter, there’s also a pretty good chance that when you’re playing ‘Pong’ on the computer, they’re cheering for the computer.  (*Note:  For those born post 1995, ‘Pong’ was a game like Nintendo Wii Tennis but for the lazy and over-weight).

The Great Australian Plight

It’s always great to see some support for the Aussies, but last year Sam Stosur and Lleyton Hewitt both went out in the first round, this year they both went out in the second.  How many Grand Slam third rounds do they have to not make it to before Aussie pundits stop referring to their defeats as “shock exits.”  Every game point they claim should be hailed as a “shock triumph” and if they make a final, it should be declared a public holiday.

The Baseline Camera

The camera angle enjoyed solely by people with a calf muscle fetish and penchant for butt sweat or for when you want to have no concept of where the ball is or where it’s going at any time whatsoever.  It’s the camera angle for when you want the full experience of being an oompa loompa with courtside seats to the badminton.  All the joy of watching someone up close as they’re sweating profusely combined with the visual benefits of being stuck behind someone taller than you anywhere but in a game of dodgeball.  It makes us feel like a mute linesperson and it’s got to boot.

Cross-court Tension meets Cross-promotion

Because what’s more perfect during the tension of a break point in a semi-final than being reminded of the fact that the new season of ‘Better Homes and Gardens’ and ‘My Kitchen Rules’ is starting soon.  Now not only am I stressed out about the fact that Djokovic might lose this match, but I’m also reminded that I’m a sub-standard cook and what a crappy state my kitchen and lounge room are in.

The Price is Wrong

Apparently the Australian Open is under the impression that they’re an economy of their own.  A slice of advice organisers; unless that pizza you’re selling was delivered fresh from Napoli by one or both Super Mario Bros via fighter jet after being blessed by the Pope himself, there’s no reason a piece should be setting us back 12 dollars.  Combined with the long lines, it actually becomes cheaper and faster to call Dominos and have them deliver to the gates of Melbourne Park.  I don’t see Australian Open organisers offering any “if it takes longer than 30 minutes to arrive, it’s free” guarantees so this is actually the safer bet.  Also, simple rule; if it’s mid-strength beer, it shouldn’t be max cost.

The 'Super Fan'

An interesting species, the ‘super fan’ comes out of hibernation for these two weeks of the year and can sometimes be identified by their facepaint and tendency to become vocal when provoked or their territory is threatened.  Often, they can be found circulating beside the training courts and outside the hotels of their most loved tennis stars.  But more than that, these are the fans who just love the players a bit too much.  I get it, you’re thrilled he won, and then he throws a shoe or a sweaty wrist band in your direction and you'll knock out your nanna when diving for it.  Now that's fine as long as you behave like this in every facet of your life.  The next time you visit your accountant at the end of the financial year and he secures you a great tax return, and in the joy of the moment he throws his sweaty bonds under singlet or socks to you, you can’t show disgust – you catch that token of gratitude and you hold it high!

How do you Solve a Problem like Arena?

Having to explain to people that it’s called ‘Margaret Court Arena’ and not just ‘Margaret Court’.  Her name is ‘Margaret Court’ so I understand the confusion that her surname is the same as the place named after her but let’s get it right and look past it.  I feel for you Margaret Court, in the same way I feel for Tina Arena.

Two Weekends at Bernie's

Australians seem to love 'Big Brother' so can’t we combine that into the Australian Open and give punters the option of voting out at least one player before the tournament even starts?  This is where Bernard Tomic comes in.  From his off-court antics to his complaints about scheduling, it’s pretty clear that he’s the Justin Bieber of Australian tennis.  On behalf of all of us Bernie, you’ve fared better than 99% of people going to the tournament – you’ve gotten a seat right on court, you’ve been paid to attend even though you’ll in all likelihood leave the tournament early and you’ve got a free lift to and from the stadium.  When you have to pay $170 admission to sit so far up in Rod Laver Arena that you actually have to duck when Jetstar’s evening Avalon-bound flight is preparing to land, plus pay for a return V-line train ticket that has you praying your match doesn’t go past 11:30 pm so you can race to catch the midnight service to Geelong, then come cry me a Yarra River Bernie.

The Good, the Bad & the Ana

Last, but most certainly not least, when Ana Ivanovic is knocked out in the first round (for at least the male portion of tennis-goers) this does more damage to Australian Open ticket sales than reports that an Ebola-carrying hurricane is headed for Rod Laver Arena.  More men have ditched their women’s tennis tickets after Ana Ivanovic was knocked-out than have ditched their Malaysian Airline honeymoon tickets after two flights didn’t reach their destinations in as many months.  Every time Ana Ivanovic loses, an angel loses its wings.  A Victoria’s Secret angel but an angel nonetheless.  Sure there are still talented players around in the competition but she was the prettiest.  Seeing her lose on the first day of the tournament is like Adriana Lima leaving a Victoria's Secret fashion show after 5 minutes, and then 'Dimmys & Forges' models take over the catwalk for the remainder of the show.

So as the ball kids go back to their ball families, the linespeople go back to their day-to-day lines and the players store their racquet bags and free Australian Open towels back in their closets, we say 'game-set-match' to another big Australian Open.  For all these minor inconveniences and quirks, we love it like a fit kid loves gluten-free cake and we look forward to welcoming the "unhappy couples" back again for another exciting couple of weeks next January.


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