Why Valentine’s Day Is Our Favourite Love-Hate Relationship And It Kills You Not To Be A Part Of It!

Okay, that might be a bit harsh, but it definitely eats you up a little inside if you’re single, even if you never admit it to yourself or others.  It’s the reason February 14^th a.k.a “Valentine’s Day” is the day of the year where single people basically turn into bears; either they go quietly into hibernation, or they venture out attacking couples happily picnicking.  Single people seem to hate Valentine’s Day so much, I’m waiting for the next date change campaign after the Australia Day one to be a campaign led to change the leap year rules so we keep February 29^th but scrap February 14^th.  In case you still haven’t quite grasped the spirit of Valentine’s Day, you know that uncomfortable 10 seconds right before midnight on New Year’s Eve when you realise you’re the only person counting down who’s not going to have anyone to kiss when the counter ticks to zero?  Yeah well, Valentine’s Day is basically a day built around that feeling.  I say all of this as a single person myself and it’s why I’m going to try to make you understand why Valentine’s Day deserves to be taken out of the “friend zone”.

Which side of the speed-dating table do you sit on?

So it’s Valentine’s Day.  A day to celebrate those in a relationship and to encourage those who aren’t to find someone to be in one with.  A day that lovers of comedy will appreciate this year appropriately fell on a “hump day”.  It’s arguably the greatest example of a day where couples are assisted in getting together since Noah loaded up his ark two by two.  Now before you climb-up alone on your high horse, let me just say this – if you don’t believe that February 14^th is a day meant exclusively for couples, how’s this for a fun fact; George Washington Gale Ferris, inventor of the Ferris Wheel, an activity that is designed specifically with the intention of seating two people next to each other for a good time was born on Valentine’s Day!  Added to that, Alexander Graham Bell filed his patent of invention of the telephone on Valentine’s Day as well.  The telephone!  Something based around communication with another human being.  So accept the day for what it is and open-up a box of Roses chocolates while you keep reading and hear me out.

The only reason I’ll accept for truly hating Valentine’s Day is the fact that it’s not a public holiday.  If you’re expected to celebrate love, you should at least be given the time to put in some groundwork.  There are only two reasons you have to possibly hate Valentine’s Day – either you’re excluded by it or you feel too much pressure to be included in it.  Either you have no one to spend it with or have to spend too much on someone.  Basically, either you’re single or you’re cynical.  If it’s that you’re single, so what!?  So you’re single.  So you feel a little left out for one day of the year.  You know how envious you are of your friends in relationships on Valentine’s Day?  Well that’s probably how they feel about you at Bucks Party or Hens Night!  Stop taking it out on Valentine’s Day because you feel lonely for one more day.  If diabetics are keeping a lid on it while the rest of us celebrate World Nutella Day, you can do the same today.  Shout-out to red heads as well who’ve never once campaigned to change the name of “Sunday”.

Valentine's day is linked to some serious achievements of human kind... including reproduction.

Not to say there aren’t the singles that make the effort.  In a study I made-up for the purpose of this point, the level of denial in the air increases 1700% on Valentine’s Day.  If you’re single, either you’re hating on this 24hrs you’re a part of or not a part of, or you’re going out of your way to express how you’re totally happy with where you’re at and are actually totally enjoying being single.  Just remember; canning Valentine’s Day just because you’re single and other people aren’t is a lot like bagging out an awesome party just because you weren’t invited to it.  Sure it sucks not having someone to share Valentine’s Day with, but heaps of stuff sucks when you don’t have anyone to do it with; playing tennis, synchronized swimming, rap battling, watching Married At First Sight.  Suck it up, stop blaming Feb 14^th and go buy yourself ‘Totem Tennis’ kit.

One way or another, you're going to need to get some game.

On the other hand, you could be in a relationship but adhere to the belief that Valentine’s Day is a made-up “corporate holiday” created by Hallmark.  And so what if it is!?  They’re a family-owned company based in Missouri that also owns Crayola.  Even if the worst thing they’ve done is create crayons and a day for people to get together, that’s arguably better than anything your family has ever created.  You can’t even organise an argument-free family picnic!  Meanwhile these guys have been responsible for more unions and pregnancies than alcohol.  Even it’s a manufactured holiday, enjoy the awesome absurdity of it.  It’s a day based around a misrepresentation of what the human heart actually looks like and a chubby male baby with wings shooting arrows and helping people get together, which now that I think about it is probably where the term “wingman” come from.  Quote me on that.

Whether you’re single or in a relationship on Valentine’s Day, when you moan about it and when you say things like “well I try to show my love every day of the year not just on that day”, it’s the equivalent of seeing photos of barbecues on Australia Day and then posting on Facebook how you “eat a snag, smash a beer and selectively ignore the way Australia was colonised every day of the year, not just January 26^th!”

Sentence 1, Page 1 in the "Valentine's Day Denial Guide".

With all of this in mind, let’s take a moment to recognise all the good things Valentine’s Day gives us while asking for nothing it return.  For starters, it helps support the dying industry of “snail mail” and it gives everyone two free lines of poetry to finish how we see fit.  Thankyou red roses and blue violets!  Most admirably though, it’s a day where every creepy stalker for one day gets to break out of their restraining order cocoon and transform into a “secret Valentine”, only until midnight though when their ankle monitor turns back on like some seedy Cinderella.  It’s also a day that provides girls with the opportunity to get beautiful bouquets of flowers without having to fight over just the one bouquet against a big group of other girls at a wedding reception.

Public displays of affection are tough to take unless you’re a participant rather than just a witness, and Valentine’s Day is basically “PDA Day”.  To quote Ron Burgundy, “it’s just science”.  So instead of being bitter, be sweet.  If that doesn’t work, maybe make your own holiday based solely around celebrating being single and just enjoying the company of an alcoholic beverage and call it “Ballantine’s Day” if you have to.

Yes, yes, a thousand times YES!  Fact:  We all want someone who looks at us the way Marty Crane looks at a Ballantine.

Now, if you’re single and still not likely to change your tune on Valentine’s Day, here are 7 jabs that aim straight for the love heart of any of your attached friends whose romance is like one of Cupid’s arrows flying right into your eye and help you convince yourself you’re better off being single on this big day:

1.    “I’m able to enjoy a large serving platter for two as an awesome main course for 1!”

2.    “The only unwanted letter I have to worry about getting in the mail today is from a guy called “bill” and I have the option of paying some money within a month to make him go away.”

3.    “You get overpriced flowers cut out of a supermarket bucket.  I get free vegetables dug out of my migrant parents’ garden.  Mine are delicious just with a bit of olive oil.  Good luck eating yours with a bit of fetta cheese crumbled on top.”

4.    “I can listen to an Adele song without reading too much into it.”

5.    “I can watch 'The Notebook' on my own on this day of strong emotions and you will never know how I was affected by it.”

6.    “If you find a piece of jewellery in your glass of champagne at a restaurant on Feb 14^th, it’s a sign you’ll soon be dividing your assets.  If I find any jewellery in my alcohol on Feb 14^th it’s cause for a massive payout lawsuit.”

7.    “You’re spending the day in the city buying up Belgian chocolates.  I’m spending the night at home in my bonds pyjama shorts scoffing down Belgian waffles.”

** For more info, updates and photos, follow me on Twitter & Instagram **

Tall Story: The Biography (Part 3)

2011 

• Start using ‘Twitter’.  It reminds me of Facebook with a word limit or a friend that stops you when you’ve said too much.  Am pleased to see hashtags getting some long overdue recognition.

• Become a presenter for the Seven Network.  Another audition that takes place in front of a lotto machine.  I come to the conclusion that ‘Tattslotto’ clearly brings me better luck than ‘Keno’.

• I travel overseas through Europe visiting countries including Turkey, Hungary and Greece.  For this reason, when talking about my travel, it sounds like I’m just talking about cooking and food. *Fans of dad jokes will get this gag and appreciate its brilliance.

• Create the blog ‘The Daily Male’.  A place for me to share funny articles and stories that I create.  The name is a play on words that I only later realise will also be used by an Instagram account that posts photos of gay males… daily.  *Insert 'awkward teethy emoji face' here.

• Start using ‘Instagram’.  Reminds me that holiday photos, like Frankston tap water, are much better through a filter.  The hashtags continue their world domination.  Can’t help but feel for the asterisk, which has failed to make the same leap from phone keypad to pop-culture.

The top-middle photo is me presenting the lotto on the Seven Network and making someone rich.  The rest of the photos are me travelling the world and sending myself broke.  Both brilliant fun though.

2013

     

• Buy and move into my first home.  Some call it a sign of growing-up.  I call it all the joy of moving into the most expensive cubby house I’ll ever buy, combined with the discovery that I’m now a part-time unpaid cleaner.  The house is also immediately behind my parents’ block.  There’s not a speedometer big enough to measure how quickly I cut a hole between the adjoining fences and establish an ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ dynamic.

• Melbourne Victory FC asks me to be their official ground-announcer.  It means I can combine a couple of my true loves; working on camera and sports.  No Victoria’s Secret Angels agree to come on board as co-hosts to help me complete a trifecta.

Left; Jumping for joy after purchasing my first home.  My back is turned away from it and I can't see how much renovation work needs to be done, hence the joy.  Right; Around the ground and behind the microphone for the mighty Melbourne Victory.

2014

• During a routine visit to my travel agent for a check-up, I discover a large European flight and am told that it’s Terminal… number 3 that I’ll be departing from at Tullamarine airport.  I’m told I have 2 months to travel.  I don’t seek a second opinion.

• In a half-court shoot-out against NBA legend, Vlade Divac, I beat Vlade with a behind the back shot.  It’s a weird moment beating one of your heroes in anything.  Like someone beating Roger Federer in a tennis final or someone else knocking out Mike Tyson in a boxing match.  Unlike those two guys, Vlade neither cries nor bites part of my ear off.

• I become an uncle for the first time and hopefully not the last.  He’s called ‘Aleks’ and he’s already infinitely more mature at his age than I am at my age.  I get to play with him, tire him out and then give him back to his parents so he can wake them up throughout the night.  It’s like a “parenting test drive” really.

• Get a part in a movie called ‘Bićemo Prvaci Sveta’ (We’ll Be World Champions) while in Serbia.  It means I get to claim my trip on tax and get paid to perform, play basketball and meet incredibly talented people.  I’m pretty much a Serbian version of Michael Jordan in the movie ‘Space Jam’.

• After returning to Australia, I write an article about my adventure entitled 'All Aboard the Balkan Express!  10 Reasons to Set off on a Serbian Adventure!' and it becomes a viral hit.  It leads to some great accolades, including being named one of the ‘Top 20 Serbs of 2014’ by Serbian media, alongside faces such as Novak Djoković and Marina Abramović.  It also pleases me that this is the only viral thing I bring back with me after months of travel through Eastern Europe.

The article in question and a couple of articles about the article in question.  Also some stills from my feature film debut in 'We'll Be World Champions'.

2015

• The year starts with me getting the gig as a presenter at the Asian Cup 2015.  I can now include on my resume that I can comfortably and correctly pronounce over 25 Uzbekistani names in under a minute and that I’ve been 50% of an interview with Mel McLaughlin without her coming out of it uncomfortable and without me coming out of it with a $10,000 fine.  Stefan Popovic – 1, Chris Gayle – 0.

• While a part of the Seven Network’s ‘Good Friday Appeal’ coverage, I get to meet Agro.  This might not seem noteworthy to some of you, but there was a generation of us for whom Ranger Stacey was our ‘first lady’, Plucka Duck was a household name and Agro was a funnier puppet/muppet than any of today’s AFL footballers.  For me it’s like meeting a Sesame Street muppet that’s gone on a Gap Year to Australia.

• After several months of research and writing, I complete my first screenplay.  The mission then begins to get it made into a film while at the same time keeping the subject matter secret.  It’s 275 pages long and is one of my proudest moments when I finally finish it.  I ask my parents if they’d like to read it but they say it’s too long and are happy to wait until the movie is released.  It’s a fine line between being concerned about their disinterest and being flattered by their confidence in the project and the script’s potential.

• I buy a new bicycle.  My dad buys a new motorcycle.  In doing so, we come to an unspoken mutual understanding that he is infinitely cooler than me.

• My website stefanpopovic.com.au goes live.  It’s like final step on the evolutionary chart of social media.  I kind of wish that Drake is around to rap something along the lines of “Started off with MySpace now we’re here”.  He isn’t, so I take the opportunity to do it for myself.

Left; meeting Agro.  Right; completed first feature film script.  Both major achievements in their own right.

2016

• I get to interview Novak Djoković live in front of over 20,000 people at AAMI Park ahead of the Australian Open.  It’s like an entire small country town eavesdropping on a conversation between a guy and his man crush.  I’m really excited to interview someone who’s close to my height as well as the chance to show it is possible to both interview Djoković and still correctly pronounce his name.  I will later claim that the quality of the interview inspires Djoković to go on to win his next two Grand Slams.

• I become a wine-drinker.  I hear that consumption of a large glass of fermented grapes is a sign of being a grown-up.  It doesn’t really make sense to me and honestly I’m more comfortable with consuming a small box of dried grapes and being told I’m behaving like a child.

• My track record of disappearing from Australia during the winter in and going into hibernation in Europe during their summer continues.  I’m like a tall, blonde-haired, sort of German-looking bear really.  I meet lots of Serbian Olympians, actors and musicians, hang out with friends, jump across borders, oh and I sneak into many first-class lounges at airports while in transit.  Quite an adventure!

• Most recently though, I turn ‘twenty-ten’.  Yep that’s a number now.  It’s for all of us who have the benefits and wisdom that come with reaching the age of thirty, combined with the immature inner-child (that’s quickly becoming an outer-child) that many people have lost by the time they were ten.  It’s real and it’s totally a thing.  I’m giving you all another year of your twenties.  You’re welcome! 

                    To be continued…

I leave you with this collage of some of my highlights of 2016.  Hopefully you spot yourself in some pics and even more hopefully, you're not annoyed at me for using a photo of you on here.

*Ending a bio can always be awkward and boring.  So to avoid that, here are a couple of pics of me as a child just generally being cute and waving goodbye to all you readers!*

The End of Part Three.

** For more info, updates and photos, follow me on Twitter & Instagram **

Tall Story: The Biography (Part 2)

2000 

• Do work experience at GTV 9 in Melbourne, which sparks my interest in Journalism and working on TV.  It also gives me a chance to get Glenn Ridge, Nicki Buckley and Pete Smith from 'Sale of The Century' to sign headshots for my grandmother.  This might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but anyone with a Serbian, Italian, Spanish, etc grandmother in Australia knows this is huge brownie points.  Like a catholic getting a signed pic from the Pope where he leaves his Pope lipstick stamp on it.

• That work experience gets me quite excited about the workforce... until I get my first job.  It's a paper round that involves me collecting, folding and delivering newspapers and pamphlets to 175 homes.  From start to finish, it takes me around 5 hours and pays a total of $7.60.  Given the distance I'm having to cover on foot and the money I'm earning, I consider exploring the possibility of becoming someone's sponsor child.  World Vision does not answer my phone calls.  Mum and dad aren't open to the idea.

• Relatives come to visit from overseas.  I'm excited because I get to see my cousins. Mum's excited because it's apparently all the reason she needs to organise a long overdue Sovereign Hill day out and our 11th "olden days" photoshoot.  If you don't have even one of these, then your parents must have loved you just the right amount.

• I get to meet the Serbian National Basketball team when they come to Australia for the Sydney Olympics and play a warm-up tournament in Melbourne.  I'm a tall kid already but have this awkward babyface, so it's a great opportunity for me to have evidence years later of me meeting people I really admire, while at the same time looking a bit average.  It all looks very 'Make-A-Wish' Foundation to be quite honest.

• Start swimming for the school swimming team and put my flipper feet to good use.  I have to wear Speedos again… along with the rest of the team.  A fact which is made all the more difficult when one of the other boys on the team spots the dark hairs on either side of the ‘budgie smugglers’ of another team member and says to him one day at training “Woah, you’ve got spider legs!”  The team member is embarrassed, leaves the team and our relay events are thrown into disarray.  Not sure what happened to the douchebag bully that made the comment, but to this day I hope he got a job cleaning bikie clubhouse urinals with no gloves for minimum wage.

• On a family trip to Queensland, I win $4 on each of four consecutive scratchies that I buy from the Mossman local newsagency.  Neither I nor the newsagent can believe my luck.  He’s convinced I’m an 'Ocean's 11' level con-artist and I’m convinced the win is enough to put him out of business.

Clockwise from top-left; Meeting basketball legend Predrag Danilovic, looking chuffed as hell to meet Dejan Tomasevic, what it looked like in 1865 when the common cold took your father's life while panning for gold and you had to assume the role of 'master of the manor'', my sister and I ready to start classes in the new millennium - same uniforms, new hair.

2001

     

• I enter ‘Class Clowns Comedy Competition’ with my friend, James Robertson as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and we reach the National Finals.  Despite winning the audience vote, the judges deem our material too ‘politically incorrect’.

• We then come second in a school talent show to a family of slow motion athletes, spitting ‘Tic-Tacs’ to make it look like they are losing teeth.  We are disappointed.  Then we find out we each get $200, so we’re okay with it.  It's basically a lifetime gift voucher for the high school canteen or a lot of subway footlong meal deals in the real world.

James and I called ourselves "Mus-edy" because we combined music and comedy in our act.  The outfits we're wearing relate to a gag in our act about misinterpreting the dress code "semi-formal".  Champagne comedy.

2003

• Graduate High School.  Despite warnings from teachers and school staff against “joking around” at the graduation ceremony, I ‘bear hug’ the principal and kiss his cheek upon receiving my certificate.  He seems to enjoy it.  His wife glares at me.

• I finally grow into my enormous head.  Still refuse to wear hats though, as I look like I have a terminal illness.  Not sure which of these two points are my biggest achievement of the year.

The 'Bear Hug affair' of 2003.  Sure he's the principal, but I'm the 'big spoon'.

2004

• I start exercising, with the goal of losing weight and getting in shape in time for my 18^th birthday.  I continue exercising even after that, I love it so much... even though it hurts me.  It’s kind of like a dysfunctional long-term relationship.

• Start my university studies at Deakin University in Geelong.  It's like what I imagine many rougher public schools to have always been like; no school uniform, attendance is up to the student and alcohol's available on campus.  Pretty happy time in life I must admit.

• James and I audition for both 'Big Brother' and 'Australian Idol', the latter just for the sake of getting on TV and doing our impersonation of Shaggy's song 'Angel', which is so on point that blind Jamaican members of the Shaggy fan club couldn't tell the difference.  As for 'Big Brother', I make it through to the second round of auditions. Still unsure what that says about me as a human being.

• I turn 18 and can finally drive, drink, go out clubbing and vote.  I do three of those in the same day.  That same year, my cousin does all four in the same day and forever blames himself for John Howard’s re-election.

• Begin performing stand-up comedy solo.  My first ever gig is at the Armadale hotel as a part of ‘Champagne Comedy’.  The comedy room there closes shortly after.  The streak continues.

Clockwise from top-left; My 18th birthday party, meeting James Mathison at Idol auditions, with James and Jase snorkelling in Port Douglas, then with James and Jase about to almost seriously injure ourselves with a golf buggy 'Jackass' style.  What a time for wet-look gel, long denim shorts and chubby faces though!

2005

• Head overseas to Long Beach, California on study exchange through my university.  I meet celebrities, girls like my accent, and guys think I’m cool.  I drop more Aussie slang in my first 6 months there than Steve Irwin in his entire life.  I never want to leave.

Probably the best thing I've done in my life - study abroad 2005.  A tiny collection of only a few moments from a big part of my life and people who are still very important to me.  From Long Beach to San Diego to Halloween in Santa Barbara.

2007

• Graduate University with a ‘Bachelor of Arts’ degree, Majoring in Journalism – with Distinction.  I compare it to an ornately decorated macaroni artwork; I’ve put a lot of work into it and it looks great on the fridge, but I’m not entirely confident it’ll help me get a job.

• Enter a national comedy competition for Nova Radio and after several weeks of public voting, I am announced as the winner.  I am happy and keep getting more involved in writing and performing.

• Former Miss Universe, Jennifer Hawkins attends one of my gigs, laughs loudly at my jokes and chats to me after the show.  I think it’s the best example of complete satisfaction with having prime real estate in the friend zone.

On the left is a photo of university diploma.  On the right is a pic with Jennifer Hawkins after my gig.  Guess which one got posted to social media first.

2008

• Perform my first solo-stand-up comedy show at the Melbourne Town Hall for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.  It sells out multiple nights and is highly successful, except for one bad review from a disgruntled reviewer I will later refer to as “Hitler and Germaine Greer’s love-child”.  Even after my performance, the Town Hall is still in operation… the streak ends!

• Spend six months back-packing and travelling across Europe and America on my own.  The experience is difficult, but I learn a lot and meet some amazing friends.  I also go to Oktoberfest, La Tomatina and Guča Music Festival.  I keep a diary so I never forget the experiences I had drinking beer, throwing tomatoes and listening to trumpets.

Clockwise from left: My Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2008 poster, chatting to Wil Anderson after the show, on-stage overseas while back-packing.

2009

• Write for ‘Rove’ and ‘Good News Week’, thus fulfilling a lifelong dream of writing for TV.  Certainly feel like I've come a long way creatively; today a 22-year old getting experience writing for TV, yet it seems like just yesterday I was a 3-year old getting smacked for drawing on the couch.  Life certainly happened.

• Start writing and performing a segment called ‘Sunday Roast’ for SYN Radio comedy show ‘In Joke’ in Melbourne and I eventually take over as host of the show.  It's awesome fun and great radio training.  There's no stress because it's like a spin on that life philosophy of "dance like nobody's watching", in that sometimes when you're on-air, you feel like you're "talking while no-one's listening."

• Put my Serbian language skills to good use as I start hosting the ‘Serbian Youth Radio Program’ on Pulse 94.7FM.  It’s an excellent opportunity to play the music I like, while feeling like a Eurovision audience member week in, week out.

Clockwise from bottom-left: Backpacking through Denmark, Italy, Greece, and at the radio station behind the microphone.

The End of Part Two.

** For more info, updates and photos, follow me on Twitter & Instagram **

Tall Story: The Biography (Part 1)

I’m going to start this by saying that I generally hate writing a biography for myself.  I’m only doing it now because I was asked to write something about myself for a project I’m working on.  The reason I hate it is because the fundamental problem with writing a bio for yourself is you either end up writing in the first-person and sounding like what the Italians would call a ‘baggadouche’ or you have to write in the third-person and it just seems like you’ve enlisted the services of an imaginary friend most people should stop listening to the voice of during child therapy sessions their terrified parents make them attend.  Or best case scenario, despite your use of the third-person approach, everyone reading it knows you wrote it yourself and you just look stupid, like you sent yourself a Valentine’s Day card from “A Secret Admirer”.

Ideally the way I (or anyone for that matter) would want my bio to come about is for it to actually be written by someone influential who’s met me, just to give it a bit more credibility.  However, Novak Djokovic isn’t replying to my emails and apparently Jennifer Hawkins doesn’t have phone signal in Myer, so here we are.  That’s why I’ve decided to do something a little different.  I’ve done brief re-cap of my life so far, with dot points of the important bits... but I’ve done it in three parts because it seems more digestible that way and, well… let’s face it, we friggin’ love trilogies.  That being said, I plan to live at least another 30 years so this could turn into a ‘Rocky’/’Police Academy’ scenario in years to come.  Nevertheless, have a read, have a laugh and checkout some of my “greatest hits” (that you may never have heard) from the 80s, 90s and today!

1986

• Born in Baxter House, Geelong Hospital on June 29^th at some time in the early hours of the morning.  The entire experience must have been awfully traumatic and difficult because I’ve blocked all memory of it out of my head.

• Photos later confirm that I in fact ‘came out’ butt-first, thus the reason in photos soon after, my rear looks like the face of an intensely sunburnt cyclops.

• Meet my Mum, Dad, Grandma and other family… enjoy their company so much, I continue to live with them for a number of years.

Already getting centrefold poses organised.  Incidentally, this image would appear in the Geelong Advertiser as an 18th birthday greeting from my parents.  True story.

1989 

• Enter ‘Bay City Plaza Geelong’ and upon being asked by an MC hosting a performance event, “What do you want to be when you grow-up?”, in front of 500 parents and children I proudly proclaim, “I want to be the first frog in space!”

• We move out of our unit in Bell Park and into a new house in Highton.  Fortunately, due to my still tiny frame, I am excused from assisting with the moving process.

• My sister is born – I mostly quietly but occasionally vocally, object to the introduction of a new housemate without my authority.

• My godmother buys me my first ‘outfit’ – a crisp white sailor suit, with navy embroidery, shoulder cuffs and gold trim on the sleeves.  A sailor’s hat and navy sandals are also included.  Only years later will I realise just how cute I really am at this moment.

You may need to adjust your screens to deal with all this cuteness.

1990

     

• I Begin Sub-Prep at St. Andrew’s Primary School in Newtown, Geelong.  Play ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ with twins, Evan and James McDonald at recess on my first day.  We become best friends.

• Develop a deep affinity for eating ‘Play-doh’ and ‘Klag’.  Hence the reason I start referring to ‘art time’ as ‘tea time’.

• Like the rest of the boys, and some of the girls, I have a bowl cut hairstyle.  It seems like an incredibly easy time to be a hairdresser.

Bowl cut on point and some pics with the twins throughout primary school.

1991

• Continue to fight the urge to suck my thumb when I sleep.  Parents buy me a product called ‘Ban-suck’, which is rubbed on the thumb and causes burning when put in the mouth.  I continue to suck my thumb and become accustomed to the pain.  This is possibly the first documented example of the term ‘thug life’.

• I learn that we are not all on the same ‘toilet clock’.  I realise that none of my other ‘non-ethnic’ classmates have to go to the toilet as often as me… I'm 4-years old and it is my first encounter with the phrase “when in Rome”.  1 hour later, I poo my pants.  Mum picks me up and drives me home, while I lay face down in the back seat of the car, apologising profusely.

"Shout-out to all the people out there who ain't grow-up to be suckas just because they was little thumb-suckas" - Anonymous rapper.

1992

• Perform my first creative piece at ‘Show & Tell’; a collection of poems and humorous song covers including a rendition of Right Said Fred’s ‘I’m Too Sexy’, which includes the lyrics “I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt…. that’s why I wear a jumper.”

• Give mum a letter to send, with illustrations and stickers, to ‘Agro’s Cartoon Connection’.  She promises she will give it to her “good friend” and host of the show Anne-Maree Biggar.  I win no toys… I meet no puppet.  Years later, I learn that my mother never sent the letter.  Nor does she, nor did she ever, know Miss Biggar.

• During a visit to the Geelong Show, mum and dad tell me that this is ‘Disneyland’.  The first true test of my limitless imagination.

Post-'Show & Tell' class photo: This is what bad-asses look like in the private primary school system.

1993

• I get lost at Canberra Serbian Festival while waiting for mum and sister to come out of the toilets.  I assume that after 15 minutes they must have come out without me seeing them so I go walking to find them.  I am sad, until a nice lady with a floral dress helps me find my “mama”.  My mum finds me and she is happy.  Then she smacks me for walking off alone.  I am sad again.

• Realise I have a knack for maths timetables after winning several timetable competitions in class.  It begins a long run of amusing but mostly useless skills.

• Have first artistic tantrum when my first published piece of work, (a poem called ‘The Follow Dog’) is printed in the school year book, in the bottom corner of the page.  I protest that it should be centre-top.

• Dad lets me get my hair cut ‘number one’ all over.  My mum blames him for years that this is the reason my hair is no longer straight… or blonde.  The bowl cut soon makes a return.

The shaved head look slowly growing through on a trip to Fiji.  Don't know whether to address the fact that my head looks like an egg with three-day growth or that I would've made an awesome addition to the 'Lion King' Broadway show.

1994

• For two months, I’m convinced that ‘finger’ is in fact pronounced ‘thinger’ and proceed to inform and gradually convince my Grade 3 class of this fact.

• Mum enrols me in gymnastics for coordination purposes.  It seems I am walking into too many walls and injuring myself a great deal, and in a variety of ways – possibly due to my head, which at present, is still too large for my body.  She buys me a pair of pink and black spandex shorts for the activity.  I comment that she needs help with her colour-coordination.

• Start playing basketball with the Knicks at Geelong’s ‘Life Be In It Centre’.  In my first season I sprain my ankle and dislocate my little finger.  For the remainder of my life, this will leave me almost completely unable to perform an adequate ‘pinky promise’.

• Start learning to play guitar; mostly Elvis songs, which I proceed to play at every opportunity for my classmates, particularly at ‘Show & Tell’.  Unrequested/unwanted encore performances become a trademark.

• Come runner-up in a school camp ‘talent’ competition by performing an impersonation of Elvis as an elderly woman, along with my Indian friend Sujain.  This, coupled with my ‘Elvis guitar serenades’, lead to me having the nickname ‘Elvis’ for the remainder of primary school.

Girls love a guitarist... except when his guitar has Disney stickers on it and he wears his grandma's vest while playing it. 

1995

• Buy first ever CDs (all singles); ‘Spice Girls – Wannabe’, ‘Los Del Rio – Macarena’, and ‘Seal – Kiss From a Rose’.  The last of which, I’m ashamed to say, I will go on to request at OzSkate Rollerblading Centre, during a weekend visit.  I also get my mum to write on each CD cover ‘Stefan Popovic’ so that (unfortunately) there’s no doubt whatsoever about who they belong too.

• Start learning Taekwondo.  My training includes 2 hours of martial arts training each week, as well as renting every Bruce Lee movie ever made.

When you really want to be Bruce Lee, but instead you're the only kid who forgot his Taekwondo uniform for the photo day.

1996

• Go on a world trip with parents and sister for two and a half months.  See the real Disneyland.  Dad tries to joke that this is the ‘Geelong Show’.

• Perform in my first school play.  There isn’t enough room left in the cast for the main production, so I am left to perform in a separate play to the rest of the class, with the nose-picking, asthmatic British kid, Johnny Joseph.  He plays a giraffe and I’m dressed-up as a bear.

• Later that year, I perform in another class play about ‘Waltzing Maltida’.  I play the ‘Coolabah Tree’, due to my freakishly tall frame.  It literally involves me just standing with one arm outstretched over the rest of the cast holding an empty box of ‘Coolabah’ cask wine… in school uniform.

• Soon after, St Andrew’s Primary School closes down.

Disneyland.  Some have gone so far as to refer to it as "the 'Geelong Show' of the northern hemisphere".

1997

• Finish Primary Schooling, and begin Secondary schooling, at Kardinia International College.  I bring the bowl cut with me.

• I keep playing basketball, and after playing and training 4 times a week, combined with watching ‘NBA Action’ and ‘NBL Highlights’ every Saturday morning, I am convinced I will be the next Michael Jordan… only more pale.

I only realise now that we had essentially the same hairstyle, except my sister's was 'salad bowl' while mine was still at the 'soup bowl' stage.

1998

• I audition for ‘Hey Hey It’s Saturday’ in the same room that the Keno lotto draw is filmed.  The routine consists entirely of me impersonating Scottish, American, Indian and English people.  I don’t make it onto ‘Red Faces’ and the show is cancelled soon after.  I begin to notice a trend with the effect my performances have on the fate of the venues at which I am performing them.

• Decide to stop wearing Speedos, just in time for my first end-of-semester beach trip.  Am happy that certain things have been left to the imagination, out of sight and out of mind.

• Learn how to make highly realistic fart sounds with my hands, providing my classmates with endless amusement during excursions and class movies in the auditorium.  I also become the bane of my teachers’ existence.

1999

• I go to Japan for one month on study exchange.  My Japanese improves significantly while living with my host family and going to a Japanese school, but I seem to get more out of walking around the city kicking buildings whilst shouting, “Aaargh GODZILLA!”

• Start to get the reputation as the ‘class clown’.  Girls think I’m hilarious, but just want to be my friends.  Begin to feel like puberty has been wasted on me.

Japan trip 1999:  No knives and forks, no shoes, no problem.

The End of Part One.

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