Thursday, 20 October 2016

Electile Dysfunction: A 'Trump VS Clinton' Voter’s Guide

'U.S election 2016'.  Or as it’s also known; 'the weirdest custody battle in world history'.  Where two crappy parents are fighting for custody of a fat child that doesn’t want to live with either of them.  I’m not going to take either side but I will say this, I know at least four people who are talking about the dangers of choosing Trump, yet I know for a fact that even after seeing the TV commercials, those four people opted to go with Coles insurance as their main insurance provider.  I say this because I think it’s important to establish where some people’s decision making abilities are at.  This year’s presidential election has basically been like watching a season of ‘X Factor’ in reverse; we started out with a pool of talent but ended-up with some unfavourable competitors whose families gave them an unwarranted amount of self-confidence.  So given that, here’s a pre-election voter's guide to take with you into the polling booth… or at the very least, into the toilet cubicle at work when you need reading material.

Longest. Cinematic run. Ever.

First things first; we need to stop expecting someone sane and normal to be elected U.S president.  Here’s why (and this goes for both candidates)  the job of U.S president pays $500,000 a year. Hillary’s already spent almost $1 billion on her campaign and Donald’s spent almost $500 million trying to get the job.  Now to put that into perspective, if you were going to a job interview for a managerial position at McDonald’s that paid $50,000 a year, but to get it you had to spend $100 million trying to persuade the interviewer to give you the job, how quickly would you be folding the application form into a paper plane instead of submitting it?  And on the off chance that you were still considering applying for the job, I can assure you that your family would already be fitting you for a "special jacket", throwing out all the metal cutlery in the house and padding your room.  When you understand that, you understand Hillary’s fashion sense and Donald’s hairstyle.

The U.S Presidency - when you're even too crazy for certain lines at Centrelink.


Secondly  dear ‘Murica, no offence and I know you might not want to admit it, but Trump pretty accurately represents the majority of you.  He’s the selfie you take without make-up and decide not to post on social media.  Hillary’s just the selfie you take after you let Maybelline special forces perform a bombing campaign on your face and then put it through several Instagram filters before posting to social media.

Thirdly, voters need to decide what they’d prefer; a president they like or a president they can trust?  Sure Trump’s been accused of doing things that are inappropriate but Clinton’s been subpoenaed for doing things that are illegal.  It’s like this; metaphorically speaking in a social scenario, Clinton’s the person that urinates in public while Trump’s the person that uses the public bathroom but doesn’t wash their hands.  As distasteful as both of them are, one’s getting arrested and the other’s just getting a fist bump instead of a handshake when you greet them for dinner.  In a local context for my Australian readers  by ignoring the actions of Clinton and only focusing on the comments of Trump, essentially you’re suggesting that you’d rather be alone in a room with Ivan Milat than Nick Kyrgios.  Yes, both are pretty shitty individuals, but you’d still have to admit that one is distinctly more shitty than the other.

Mary Anne reminds us that not all heroes wear capes.

The real difficulty in making a decision between the two lies in the fact that he’s seen as a buffoon and she’s seen as evil.  And anyone that’s on the fence about whether Hillary’s evil should go watch the interview where she’s laughing like a sociopath in heat about how she helped orchestrate the killing of Gaddafi.  Regardless of your stance on Gaddafi, I point this out because if your mum cackled that hard after killing a spider in your kitchen, you’d have her committed before you considered getting her elected.  The other problem is that good decision-making is a massive part of the presidential gig, and it’s kind of hard to have faith in the decision-making ability of someone who not only married Bill Clinton but also stayed married to Bill Clinton.  With that in mind, women shouldn’t assume that just because Hillary’s a woman, she'll be better for women either. If anything, that could be worse because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from hearing women gossip over the years, it's that some of the biggest grievances women have, are in fact with other women! She'll probably want to invade North Korea just because she thinks their leader's name 'Kim' is short for 'Kimberley'.

For when your march into battle begins on a catwalk.

The other problem is that the whole situation's so confusing. On one hand, Trump’s being accused of indiscretions without evidence and it’s being presented as fact.  On the other hand, Hillary isn’t being charged with crimes despite the fact there’s evidence.  That being said, Donald’s been accused of inappropriate behaviour towards women while Hillary’s been involved in discrediting women who make such accusations.  Looking at it objectively, if they weren’t rivals it could be a great common ground for them to find and might even be a presidential and vice-presidential match made in heaven!  That’s obviously not going to happen so perhaps the solution is that there be no election.  The third debate should just be the decider.  And it shouldn’t be a debate, it should be a rap battle.  If both candidates are going to keep berating each other and trying to discredit one another, it should at least have to rhyme.  If it’s done to a beat and a melody, it’s not slander!  *Don’t quote me on that.

Alternatively, seeing as I already compared this to essentially a job that two individuals are applying for and given that the American public are the ones hiring their boss, it seems only fair that we weigh-up the two applicants based on a number of criteria and questions that I’ve put together, which one might be judged against on the most basic of job application forms.

So here’s the thing ‘Murica, it’s time to face facts.  The facts are, of the last three presidents you’ve elected, the first cheated on his wife literally while inside the White House, the second started a war abroad in a quest to look for weapons that didn’t exist and the most recent got a Nobel Peace Prize while he had your country involved in two wars simultaneously and was spending hundreds of billions of dollars on defence.  The characters in ‘Sex & the City’ have a less volatile history with men, and at least they had a chance of ending-up with Mr. Big.

There are a lot of us who have relatives that were made refugees because of the presidents you've selected and the fact that you're generally so pro-war would be tolerable, if only you'd agree to host one at your place for once.

Most departing U.S presidents'resumes read like a 'How-to Guide' for how to make foreign people hate you.

Therefore maybe the issue then isn’t who you’ll elect president, maybe it’s that you shouldn’t be allowed to elect your president.  Like when your dysfunctional friend Karen keeps dating a string of losers and you decide to take over control of her love life and set her up with a nice guy from your office… who’s possibly more interested in weekend antiquing than foreign invasion.  Someone who’s not going to hide their emails from you and someone who’s going to grab your hand rather than grabbing your… "pet cat".  Well that’s what I think you need to let the rest of the world do for you from now on.  Maybe that way we can finally help find you someone who's going to stop trying to make a move on the rest of us and is instead just genuinely into “YOU…..S.A.”

So if it's okay with you, I'd like to give your number to two people I think you'll be really happy with. Here they are...

They're really great guys.

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