Okay, that might be a bit harsh, but it definitely eats you up
a little inside if you’re single, even if you never admit it to yourself or
others. It’s the reason February 14th
a.k.a “Valentine’s Day” is the day of the year where single people basically
turn into bears; either they go quietly into hibernation, or they venture out
attacking couples happily picnicking.
Single people seem to hate Valentine’s Day so much, I’m waiting for the
next date change campaign after the Australia Day one to be a campaign led to
change the leap year rules so we keep February 29th but scrap
February 14th. In case you
still haven’t quite grasped the spirit of Valentine’s Day, you know that
uncomfortable 10 seconds right before midnight on New Year’s Eve when you
realise you’re the only person counting down who’s not going to have anyone to
kiss when the counter ticks to zero?
Yeah well, Valentine’s Day is basically a day built around that
feeling. I say all of this as a single
person myself and it’s why I’m going to try to make you understand why
Valentine’s Day deserves to be taken out of the “friend zone”.
 |
| Which side of the speed-dating table do you sit on? |
So it’s Valentine’s Day.
A day to celebrate those in a relationship and to encourage those who
aren’t to find someone to be in one with.
A day that lovers of comedy will appreciate this year appropriately fell
on a “hump day”. It’s arguably the
greatest example of a day where couples are assisted in getting together since
Noah loaded up his ark two by two. Now
before you climb-up alone on your high horse, let me just say this – if you
don’t believe that February 14th is a day meant exclusively for couples,
how’s this for a fun fact; George Washington Gale Ferris, inventor of the
Ferris Wheel, an activity that is designed specifically with the intention of
seating two people next to each other for a good time was born on Valentine’s
Day! Added to that, Alexander Graham
Bell filed his patent of invention of the telephone on Valentine’s Day as
well. The telephone! Something based around communication with
another human being. So accept the day
for what it is and open-up a box of Roses chocolates while you keep reading and
hear me out.
The only reason I’ll accept for truly hating Valentine’s Day
is the fact that it’s not a public holiday.
If you’re expected to celebrate love, you should at least be given the
time to put in some groundwork. There
are only two reasons you have to possibly hate Valentine’s Day – either you’re excluded
by it or you feel too much pressure to be included in it. Either you have no one to spend it with or
have to spend too much on someone. Basically,
either you’re single or you’re cynical. If
it’s that you’re single, so what!? So
you’re single. So you feel a little left
out for one day of the year. You know
how envious you are of your friends in relationships on Valentine’s
Day? Well that’s probably how they feel
about you at Bucks Party or Hens Night! Stop
taking it out on Valentine’s Day because you feel lonely for one more day. If diabetics are keeping a lid on it while
the rest of us celebrate World Nutella Day, you can do the same today. Shout-out to red heads as well who’ve never
once campaigned to change the name of “Sunday”.
 |
| Valentine's day is linked to some serious achievements of human kind... including reproduction. |
Not to say there aren’t the singles that make the
effort. In a study I made-up for the
purpose of this point, the level of denial in the air increases 1700% on
Valentine’s Day. If you’re single,
either you’re hating on this 24hrs you’re a part of or not a part of, or you’re
going out of your way to express how you’re totally happy with where you’re at
and are actually totally enjoying being single.
Just remember; canning Valentine’s Day just because you’re single and
other people aren’t is a lot like bagging out an awesome party just because you
weren’t invited to it. Sure it sucks not
having someone to share Valentine’s Day with, but heaps of stuff sucks when you
don’t have anyone to do it with; playing tennis, synchronized swimming, rap
battling, watching Married At First Sight.
Suck it up, stop blaming Feb 14th and go buy yourself ‘Totem
Tennis’ kit.
 |
| One way or another, you're going to need to get some game. |
On the other hand, you could be in a relationship but adhere
to the belief that Valentine’s Day is a made-up “corporate holiday” created by
Hallmark. And so what if it is!? They’re a family-owned company based in
Missouri that also owns Crayola. Even if
the worst thing they’ve done is create crayons and a day for people to get
together, that’s arguably better than anything your family has ever
created. You can’t even organise an
argument-free family picnic! Meanwhile these
guys have been responsible for more unions and pregnancies than alcohol. Even it’s a manufactured holiday, enjoy the
awesome absurdity of it. It’s a day
based around a misrepresentation of what the human heart actually looks like
and a chubby male baby with wings shooting arrows and helping people get
together, which now that I think about it is probably where the term “wingman”
come from. Quote me on that.
Whether you’re single or in a relationship on Valentine’s
Day, when you moan about it and when you
say things like “well I try to show my love every day of the year not just on that day”,
it’s the equivalent of seeing photos of barbecues on Australia Day and then
posting on Facebook how you “eat a snag, smash a beer and selectively ignore
the way Australia was colonised every day of the year, not just January 26th!”
 |
| Sentence 1, Page 1 in the "Valentine's Day Denial Guide". |
With all of this in mind, let’s take a moment to recognise
all the good things Valentine’s Day gives us while asking for nothing it return. For starters, it helps support the dying
industry of “snail mail” and it gives everyone two free lines of poetry to
finish how we see fit. Thankyou red
roses and blue violets! Most admirably
though, it’s a day where every creepy stalker for one day gets to break out of
their restraining order cocoon and transform into a “secret Valentine”, only until
midnight though when their ankle monitor turns back on like some seedy
Cinderella. It’s also a day that
provides girls with the opportunity to get beautiful bouquets of flowers
without having to fight over just the one bouquet against a big group of other girls
at a wedding reception.
Public displays of affection are tough to take unless you’re
a participant rather than just a witness, and Valentine’s Day is basically “PDA
Day”. To quote Ron Burgundy, “it’s just
science”. So instead of being bitter, be
sweet. If that doesn’t work, maybe make
your own holiday based solely around celebrating being single and just enjoying
the company of an alcoholic beverage and call it “Ballantine’s Day” if you have
to.
 |
| Yes, yes, a thousand times YES! Fact: We all want someone who looks at us the way Marty Crane looks at a Ballantine. |
Now, if you’re single and still not likely to change your
tune on Valentine’s Day, here are 7 jabs that aim straight for the love heart
of any of your attached friends whose romance is like one of Cupid’s arrows
flying right into your eye and help you convince yourself you’re better off
being single on this big day:
1. “I’m able to enjoy a large serving platter for two as an awesome main
course for 1!”
2. “The only unwanted letter I have to worry about getting in the mail
today is from a guy called “bill” and I have the option of paying some money
within a month to make him go away.”
3. “You get overpriced flowers cut out of a supermarket bucket. I
get free vegetables dug out of my migrant parents’ garden. Mine are
delicious just with a bit of olive oil. Good luck eating yours with
a bit of fetta cheese crumbled on top.”
4. “I can listen to an Adele song without reading too much into it.”
5. “I can watch 'The Notebook' on my own on this day of strong emotions and
you will never know how I was affected by it.”
6. “If you find a piece of jewellery in your glass of champagne at a
restaurant on Feb 14th, it’s a sign you’ll soon be dividing your
assets. If I find any jewellery in my alcohol on Feb 14th it’s
cause for a massive payout lawsuit.”
7. “You’re spending the day in the city buying up Belgian
chocolates. I’m spending the night at home in my bonds pyjama shorts
scoffing down Belgian waffles.”
