Fighters or Fakers: A Beginners Guide to Authentic Armies.

As the month of April fast approaches and we’re bombarded with stories reminding us to remember heroes fighting wars abroad and cheap ANZAC Day Contiki cruises to Gallipoli getting people to ‘remember wars aboard’, maybe it’s time that in addition to remembering the heroes, we take time to talk about the zeroes.  The armies whose stories will not be chiselled in steel or stone, but at best will be scribbled on toilet walls.  Those who fight so blindly for too long, in the quest of causes unknown, to achieve so little for so many… ‘Best we forget’.

We’ve all seen our fair share of ineffective and unthreatening armies – the ‘Barmy Army’, the ‘Kiss Army’ and of course the ‘Swiss Army’ – the army that turned compact cutlery into a weapon of messy distraction.  Most of all though, there is one select group of silent under-achievers that drag their feet ever so quietly below the radar.  An army whose ‘home front’ is actually the front of your home!  Of course I’m talking about the ‘door-knocking gentry’ – the ‘Salvation Army’.  Among other things, the main issue I have with the Salvation Army is its title.  There needs to be some criteria that must be met before you can call yourself an ‘army’, which is why I’ve used the Salvation Army as a case study to compile this handy ‘how to’ guide for all would be armies.

First and foremost, if you spend more time fundraising rather than fighting, you’re not an army – you’re a cohesive band of beggars.  If ‘asking for money’ made you an army, then the traffic light-based window washers of Melbourne would be our national defence force.  On a smaller scale, it’s the same way that just because you have a friend who constantly asks to borrow money off you, that doesn’t mean he’s a ‘soldier’.  What you need to realise is that when Elvis Costello sang about ‘Oliver’s Army’, he wasn’t talking about Oliver Twist.  No one’s going to respect an army that’s so poor, they constantly have to ask for spare change and donations of things bogans couldn’t sell at a garage sale.  So pick-up a weapon and start a fight.  Or better yet, drop the ‘Army’, grab some matching rings and just call yourselves the ‘Salvation Team’.  At least that way people might mistake you for superheroes rather than people out to wage a holy war.

The next step to becoming an army of any worth – you have to show some track record of success in fighting an enemy.  It’s Australia – there are enemies everywhere.  Declare a war on ‘drought’!  Load yourselves up with water-pistols, hoses and 1500 angry farmers, head out into rural Australia and start spraying.  Call yourselves the ‘Farmy Army’ if you have to, but just start fighting.  If it starts to rain by chance while you’re out there, claim responsibility for it and say you “called in air-support.”  Whatever the case, they’re all points to add to your ‘army resume’.  Like any job application, people are going to want to see that you’ve had experience.  Be careful though, if Nazi Germany taught us anything, it’s that there is such a thing as being ‘over-qualified’.  This my friends is where I have no respect for the Salvos, because they’ve never won a war.  They haven’t even won a battle!  They’ve had one battle to fight for 70 years now – ‘poverty’ – and they still haven’t beaten it!  How is it this hard for you to beat poverty – by definition, it’s horribly under-funded and seriously under-equipped.  McDonalds doesn’t even have an army and they’ve almost decimated ‘anorexia’!  And they did it with just a clown and a burger thief.  Shape-up or give it up.

Thirdly – weaponry.  You’ve got to be wary of any army that lists it’s ‘battlefield kit’ as: ‘collection bucket, trombone and confident smile.’  An army is supposed to be something that can at least defend itself if it’s not prepared to attack, so when the only baton you’re ‘armed’ with is the one you use to conduct the Salvation Army band, you need to re-evaluate your situation.  If you’ve got no weapons, no battlefield experience and deal in cash, there’s a good chance you’re not a Salvation Army – you’re a Salvation Business.  And no one was ever defeated by an army that had more shareholders than soldiers and an ABN instead of an AK-47.  This is why I suggest the standard army kit includes at least a Swiss army knife.  It’s perfect – you don’t need a licence to own one, it’s compact, fits conveniently into a trumpet case and this way, your arsenal is at least on par with one nation’s defence force.  Plus, for the Salvos, it’s red and white, so the colours match.  Figure out a way to work ‘Target’ shopping centres and ‘Redhead Matches’ into the mix and you’ve literally got yourself some firepower and a target to practice on!

Yes I know what you’re thinking – surely I must be down on every ‘non-violent’ army.  Not true.  Like every argument, there is an exception to the rule.  Do you want to know my favourite army?  ‘Dad’s Army’!  It was funny, efficient and gave work to the elderly, and while their kill rate wasn’t high, they were at least packing heat.  By the way, it’s more than a little ironic that the Salvos aren’t allowed to carry guns.  It seems like it’d really help their fundraising a lot more.

The last point for armies to take into account is uniform.  Uniforms serve two purposes – to either make you completely undetectable to your enemy or to make you highly visible to onlooking media and public as you demonstrate your awesomeness.  The two best examples of this are the traditional khaki camouflage versus the rabbit-fur hats and white gloves of the Chinese Army.  And let’s face it, when you have the biggest army in the world and you’re armed to the teeth, you can pretty much wear whatever you want.  The best tip here, when sorting out your uniform, stick to the ‘3B’ rule – Black Jumpsuit, Boots, and Balaclava.  The headwear is the real deal-breaker, without it you’ll just look like you work in pest control.  During the night you’ll notice improved cover, and during the day you’ll see a marked increase in people’s willingness to hand over money to you.

For the Salvos this is pretty much the ‘Arab that broke the camel’s back’, so to speak, because they have neither.  They haven’t even tried camouflage – they wear black pants and white shirts.  The only hope they have of blending in with their surroundings is if they’re fighting a battle in the middle of a group of Mormon door knockers or QANTAS choir children.  Even then, you’ve got the annoying rattling of the spare change tin that’s going to make you more easily detectable than Peter Pan’s crocodile, and who really needs the extra stress.

In the end, I suppose I feel the same way about groups like the Salvation Army as I do about police bands – I’m not really sure what purpose they serve, and I’m not entirely comfortable with them associating themselves so closely with sections of the defence force.  Here’s the deal – they can keep the title of ‘army’ as long as they accept everything that goes with that, be they ‘Barmy’, ‘Salvo’, ‘Swiss’ or ‘Kiss’.  What better way to scare the Taliban than to send over to Afghanistan 300 leather-clad, face-painted Englishmen armed with only cork-screws, flick-knives and trombones?!  At the very least, the introduction of conscription and an out-dated policy towards employment of homosexuals could be just what these groups need to be allowed to call themselves ‘armies’.  The point is, unless you meet the above criteria, you’re not an army.  At best, you’re slightly similar to an army, in the same way that Polish dancing is slightly similar to pole dancing.  So change your name or earn your stripes.

Gender-ally Speaking – A Pocket Guide for the Sexes.

Girls and boys – they make-up approximately 100% of our Earth’s human population, despite being native to Venus and Mars respectively.  Sadly, the ‘boy-girl relationship’, not to be mistaken with the ‘lady-boy relationship’ native to parts of Thailand, has experienced its fair share of obstacles.  From miscommunication to general misunderstandings, what’s clear is that between the two groups, much like a bootleg DVD with subtitles (also native to parts of Thailand), too much is getting lost in translation.  So for any of you that have ever been picked-up, put-down, pushed aside or pulled-inline by the opposite sex, but for whatever reason, you didn’t know why, this guide my friends, is your new bible.

First off, a quick history lesson on relationships.  They were invented in the year 43 B.C. by Noah son of Lamech who boarded animal pairings onto a ship for 40 days and 40 nights of sea-based ‘relations’.  Thus trade-marking and giving us the term ‘Relation-Ship’.  Then in the year 1486, RSVP.com bought the rights to the ‘relationship’ name and got a 510 year jump on the internet.  Their idea was to create an effective way of helping people around the world to get over the doom and gloom of the Dark Ages by pairing like-minded individuals of the opposite sex together for the sake of enjoyment on land.  Several decades later, San Francisco, Sydney and most of Germany purchased a stake in the franchise and tweaked the ‘opposite sex’ feature significantly to cope with the mass post-World War 2 funk everyone was in.  In the years that followed, the ‘relationship’ brand was opened-up to the public so that citizens by birth-right could all become minor shareholders and have greater access and freedom to operate the product to fit their own needs, a process that continues to the present day, everywhere except in the Middle East.  Sadly, since then we’ve witnessed a growing dissatisfaction with the ‘relationship’.  With no apparent operation manual, decreasing understanding of its operation and maintenance abounds.

Now that the history’s out of the way, here’s the reality.  The general consensus is that neither guys nor girls have any idea what’s going on.  Girls talk to other girls, guys talk to other guys, who are all as clueless as one another.  So like children at a special school trying to cheat off each other, they end-up getting the wrong answer no matter what.  So here’s a list of general info that may help navigate you through the haze of foundation, blush and Lynx deodorant that we now call ‘the boy-girl relationship’.

First point – know the status of the relationship.  This doesn’t mean consulting Facebook, because in five minutes I can find 13 guys who have Jennifer Hawkins listed as their wife and the ‘Terminator’ listed as their brother so you know it’s essentially become Wikipedia’s retarded cousin.  What I mean is, know when you’re being hit-up by a buddy or just being hit-up for some booty.  Now girls, this is where I need you to pay a lot of attention, because this is about to rock your world – you do not have as many male friends as you think you do.  100% of the time, if a guy’s single and is friends with you, he’s either gay or interested in you.  And unless you’ve seen him in a compromising position with one of his football teammates, you can count on the latter.  Your first tip-off should be this – if a guy feels the need to reaffirm his ‘B.F.F.’ status with you, you can be sure he just wants to check on the progress of his ‘B.E.D.’ status with you.  Any ‘B.F.F.’ that looks for a pat on the back is asking for a slap in the face.

If you’re having trouble identifying this guy, let me help you out.  He’s usually the guy that even if he’s in the middle of rural bushland with minimal cellular reception, will somehow find a way to be one of the first to comment or click ‘like’ on your newly posted photo or status.  And you’re probably thinking to yourself right now “No, we’ve been friends for years, that’s way off.”  Well let me tell you this, guys will hang around longer than a dedicated partner of a coma patient waiting for a sign of life.  Odds are he is your friend... for now.  But in reality, he’s just waiting around long enough for you to exhaust every option and make as many bad choices as you can until he doesn’t look like such a bad one.  It’s also known as the ‘Shane Warne effect’.  Now for an important safety warning – ladies, if you post a ‘posing picture’ of yourself, (you know which ones I mean.  The ones that you secretly took 34 cracks at ‘til you got it right before you posted it, and then when you get complimented on it you say things like, “Oh no, I look awful lol!”) – Well if any guy on your Facebook profile writes something to the effect of “looking hot” or “stunner” – delete that douche.  You’ll be saving yourself an awkward pick-up line, vapid conversation and being the recipient of a ‘Rohypnol cocktail’ later on in the relationship.

Also very important to keep in mind that the way you’re looking at a relationship’s status is completely different to how a guy is charting its progress.  It’s a widely accepted notion amongst men that relationships are like employment – even if he starts off as a lowly receptionist, taking after hour calls and running errands, slowly he’ll move up within the organisation until he’s in a much better position.  Preferably something with a nice room and a headboard view.  It’s a subtle difference but what you call being a good ‘B.F.F.’ he calls ‘extended work-experience’.  To the guy, he’s essentially doing an apprenticeship, and we know how much you love a tradie!

Another point of caution – be aware that as illogical as it seems, a guy invariably believes the car he drives will exponentially increase his chances of hooking-up with you.  If you’ve already got to rely on this methodology fellas, my advice would be to roll with a motorcycle.  It’s perfect – just the right amount of wheels, more power than is necessary and the fact that no matter how much the woman you’re transporting might not be interested in you, she has to wrap her arms around you and cling on for dear life until the end of the journey.  On some level, girls really do have a visceral love of them.  All I’m saying is you never saw a Chiko model straddling a Ford Fiesta with unsurpassed fuel economy.

Next-up – learn to communicate verbally.  This means addressing the issue of texting – both via phone and Facebook.  Example; barring if they’re in surgery or operating heavy machinery, no guy or girl should take more than one hour to reply to a text.  Any more and they’re most likely playing games with you, and if you want to play games on an electronic device, buy Tetris.  If you want to have a conversation, pick-up a phone.  As a sidenote, the text message isn’t indicative of real conversation girls.  There’s a reason that ‘phoney’ is spelt the way it is.  If it were indicative of real conversation, you’d go out for a date, ask a question and an hour later the guy would look back at you with a cheesy smiley face and just say “lol.”
On top of this, if you’re over the age of 18 and haven’t made grammar your bitch, pick-up the phone because texting is only going to hurt you.  Bad grammar is the new nose-picking of social faux-pas, and it’s just as big a turn-off.  It paints a bad picture of the relationship’s future.  Best case scenario you’re going to end-up with the wrong inscription on your wedding rings.  Worst case scenario, your weekly ‘couples time’ becomes waiting in line at Centrelink because the workforce tends to frown on resumés that look like they were written by a 13-year old girl via SMS.  Bad grammar can be a big early deal-breaker and there’s a good chance the other person is silently judging you.  It’s not fair I know, but it’s called ‘Preju-text’ and it happens.

Now for a fun fact, and girls, this is a really important piece of bite-sized knowledge for you – the longer the message a guy sends you, the less thought that’s gone into it.  And God help you if you’ve gotten the ‘one word’ text or Facebook comment where the guy either just writes your name or “hi”, because not only does he want your attention badly, but he’s desperately trying to not look interested and get you to make the first move.  Oh and you can be sure he’s run that message past all of his friends and most of his immediate family to proof-read before you even got a glance at it.  To make an informed decision, jot this formula down.  Before you get a message from a guy, give him about two hours in the bank.  Then subtract one minute from that two-hours for every word that he’s written to you.  The time you’re left with is the approximate amount of time he’s spent just composing and fine-tuning that message.  And if you’re headed out to catch-up with a guy that’s just sent you a text with less than six words, well then I’m afraid you’ve unwittingly just bought yourself a front-row seat to the ‘Muppet Show’.

Also important for you to keep in mind – appearance is a big deal and looks are as important as people make them out not to be.  No one ever looked a across a crowded dancefloor checking out someone’s sense of humour.  Keeping this in mind, I’m sorry girls, but stop getting so angry at other girls who’ve had work done.  There’s no sense in angrily chastising ‘fake’ boobs.  They’re not fake – you can see them and you can touch them so they’re real.  Unless you go to feel one and your hand passes through like a hologram out of Star Wars, then they’re real.  It’s just a modification.  If you renovate your house, that doesn’t make it a ‘fake’ house!  As for the fellas, the female gender is totally aware that they have the upper-hand in the looks game.  I can explain the reasoning behind this very easily.  You could be the most attractive guy and that may just get you a date, but if you mess-up the first impression on your date by doing anything stupid or inane, a girl can instantly be turned-off.  They’ll call all their friends and give you a worse review than if they just sat through ‘Big Momma’s House 3’.  But girls, it’s just as important that you know, we’re not so discerning.  If you’re an attractive girl, you could run over our mother, kick our dog, spit in our cereal and we’ll still justify it to everyone by saying, “Yeah but she’s hot!”

Another important note for both guys and girls – the ‘looks to brains’ ratio is not uniform across the sexes.  I went out with a girl recently who had both and girls can because they’re able to multi-task.  A girl can focus on appearance while still doing some non Cosmopolitan-based reading.  That being said, there are sadly a lot that exercise the right to choose not to.  However girls, if you’re expecting the same from guys, then you’ll be sadly disappointed.  It happens, don’t get me wrong, but that’s mainly with guys who were fat in their formative years and then got their looks later.  So they still had a chance to get the IQ up before the cholesterol went down.  Also, I’m sorry to disappoint more of you girls out there, but there is no such thing as a juice-head with a brain.  For every kilo of muscle, feel free to subtract 15 IQ points.  It’s why you’ll never see an obituary that reads ‘Nobel Prize-winner and Mr. Universe finalist’.  They tend not to have a lot upstairs, and according to all medical research, not a lot downstairs.  It’s also the reason why ‘creatine’ sounds so much like ‘cretin’.

This leads me to my next point – make sure you’re reasonable in what you’re looking for.  So to the girls, don’t say you’re look for a ‘bad boy’ that you can turn good.  If you really were then where are Ivan Milat’s groupies?  Surely he’s a bad boy.  Some would say the baddest.  In fact, I’d say that if you’re looking for a fixer-upper, look no further.  You’ve found the commission flat of fixer-uppers.  But guys aren’t fixer-uppers – that’s why shows like ‘The Block’ work the way they do – with inanimate buildings rather than men.  If girls had their way, Scott Cam would rock-up to a house in the eastern suburbs, take an unemployed biker with a criminal record and go to work on him.  Remove the existing rotting framework, install some high school education, do some landscaping, extend the downstairs area and ensure there’s still something going on upstairs so he’s ready to go to auction.  But no plaster… he’s had enough of getting plastered.

The next part of this ladies, sorry but you’re not going to get that happy medium where you find someone who’s got something dark about them, but is also reputable and caring.  This isn’t ‘Beauty & the Beast’.  You rarely end-up with a bikie that loves to baby-sit and are more likely to end-up with a priest who touches kids.

Finally – Ground rules for if you make it to the dating stage.  This is the final and perhaps the most important yet most commonly mishandled part of the boy-girl relationship.  These are three of the most important “do’s and don’ts”.  Firstly, to both genders – don’t say you have a type. This is essentially relationship racism.  It’s as offensive and prejudicial as saying you have a type of person you’d employ – “Um, I’m really just looking for someone taller and not Indian.”  You don’t have a type of food or t-shirt.  Sometimes you’ll try something on and decide you like it and maybe even want to be seen in public with it on you… wait that sounded weird.  I digress, and sure you may prefer French cuisine, but that doesn’t mean you won’t enjoy a cheap pizza.  Catch my drift?  Don’t be afraid to give new things a chance.

Next, and this is mainly for the girls – if you’re 25 or over, you’re legally obligated by a statute I just made up from a constitution I just fabricated, to provide a person with a minimum ‘3-date tryout’.  It’s a warranty to insure you and the person interested in you against the pickiness that’s kept you single into your quarter life.  And guys, don’t set the standards so high.  There are plenty more fish in the sea, but if you aren’t prepared to slay a few dragons to get to the princess, you risk spending the rest of your life waiting around, with your rod in your hand.  And on another note, no guy should ever call a girl after 10pm if he’s pursuing a relationship.  Nothing wholesome was ever sought-after past 10pm. You’re either after greasy potato cakes & chips or a booty call.  And unless the girl you’re calling is Greek, it’s unlikely you’re calling about the former.

Ultimately, not since the mass consumer hysteria over the ‘Yo-Yo’ and ‘Yo-Ho Diablo’ have so many people partaken in a venture that they have absolutely no idea how to operate, with the exclusion of course of the Australian political system.  In spite of that, maybe what’s best about the boy-girl relationship is that often you just don’t know what you’re going to get out of it and you can’t explain it.  It’s like an X-rated Kinder Surprise, where one in ten eggs contain a kick in the nuts but the rest have something great inside for you to play with.  In any case, as long as you make sure your intentions aboard the ‘SS. Relationship’ are honourable and you don’t plan to take a leak in the dating pool, you should be fine.  That being said, whatever you do, keep the guide handy and it might just mean you avoid your ‘happily ever after’ becoming a ‘happily shortly after’.

The Story of a Bojana Girl.

“No… no, my birthday’s in July.”

This is easily the last sentence I’m expecting to hear as I stand in front of actor, Bojana Novakovic, holding a bottle of champagne, a birthday card and a small gift.

Despite thorough research, it appears the internet can be misleading.  Who knew!?

Fortunately, like a fat man walking across a frozen lake – without trying, I’ve broken the ice.  Novakovic, who I’ve managed to catch for 20 minutes between rehearsals, seems thoroughly entertained by this comedy of errors and after a few laughs and reassuring comments she appears more surprised that even Wikipedia was an unreliable source.

“That’s so strange, because the woman who did my Wikipedia article actually knows me quite well,” laughs Novakovic.

It’s good to see that the actor, who’s currently rehearsing at Melbourne’s Malthouse Theatre, has a good sense of humour.  Without it, it’s easy to be more than a little intimidated by Novakovic when speaking with her.  She’s confident, unabashed and at only age 30 she’s already received an AFI award, starred alongside some of Hollywood’s biggest stars including Mel Gibson and Will Smith, and co-founded a theatre company ‘Ride on Theatre’ with good friend Tanya Goldberg.

The feelings of inadequacy start creeping-up on the interviewer.

Novakovic certainly isn’t afraid to take chances either.  Most recently, she starred in ‘The Blind Date Project’, an improvised show about companionship and loneliness, based on a blind date between two people who met online.  Her ‘date’ was a different mystery performer every night, and not even Novakovic knew who was going to show up.  A big gamble for a performer who’d had a long time between drinks before this show.

“I hadn’t been on stage for two years prior to that,” says Novakovic rather nonchalantly.

“I hadn’t actually met Toby [Truslove] before he did ‘The Blind Date Project’.”

However, rather than being frightened by the unknown, Novakovic seems to relish it.

“[Blind Date Project] was completely different with each performer.

“There was humour, devastation, desperation, disturbing behavior and then with Xavier [Samuel] and Truslove for example, the characters really found love,” says Novakovic.

Even with a wealth of experience and self-confidence, Bojana Novakovic is very much in the early stages of a career that’s already seen her, among other things – play a gymnast, a fascist punk, a prostitute, a chef and a student.  She’s killed, been killed (by Satan and the US Government), some would argue one in the same, and watched others kill.  She’s even thrown in some rape, kissing, karaoke and cooking for good measure.

Yet for the girl who migrated from Serbia to Australia when she was 7, it’s still amusing when she goes back to Serbia that what she’s most often recognised for in this illustrious body of work, is in fact one of her less acclaimed roles.

“Back home… woops, see I still call [Serbia] ‘home’.

“That was really strange… being in a club and having all these people saying ‘oh my God – you were on Heartbreak High!’” she laughs.

With her new film ‘The Burning Man’ out now, and her performance being highlighted as a standout, it’s a far cry from Heartbreak High.  However the actor seems unafraid about resisting the call of Hollywood and content to make her own choices.

“I’m all about doing things that will make me a better actor.

“Things like this [The Story of Mary MacLane by Herself], and the ‘Blind Date Project’ are what really drive me,” stresses Novakovic.

She even makes time to star in a number of Serbian films, flying to Serbia for 10 days just to shoot her scenes for the film ‘Skinning’.  A decision she acknowledges occasionally has her agents sprouting grey hairs.

Of course one can understand how agents or fellow actors looking for that big break might be confused, even puzzled by Novakovic’s decisions to not only take the road less travelled, but actively put so much energy into forging her own path.

Her latest work, ‘The Story of Mary MacLane by Herself’, brings to life and the stage, the writings of real-life early 20^th century writer, Mary MacLane.

Novakovic plays MacLane, who according to the show’s description is a “self-proclaimed genius and recluse whose immodesty knows no bounds.”  A character so far removed from Novakovic’s own personality, it’s a testament to the actor’s abilities that she would even attempt such a part.

“Mary’s world is an early 20^th century world, but her writing and her ideas and her thoughts are incredibly contemporary, which is why they interest us,” says Novakovic.

“Her first book sold over 100,000 copies.

“That’s the equivalent of Harry Potter for her time,” says Novakovic.

It’s more than self-confidence that appears to be a formula for Novakovic’s success, much more.  In fact, she seems to thrive on challenging and combating any self-doubt, head on.

“If I think I’m not going to be able to do something, then I have to do it,” says Novakovic.

Fortunately for her, it seems there’s not much she can’t do or hasn’t done.  So it’s easy to forgive Novakovic for letting some of the most interesting moments in her life slip her mind briefly.  This includes her exciting real-life role as a ‘3-day fiancée’, the result of copious amounts of Serbian alcohol and an overseas adventure.

“Engaged!?  Wait, when!?” She hurriedly looks over at my pages of research.

“Oh yes, to a Serbian farm boy,” she smiles nostalgically.

No other such drastic life choices seem to be on the cards just yet but regardless, Novakovic seems very upbeat about her future and says she’s looking forward to her debut as Mary MacLane.

“It’s actually been really enjoyable to have the opportunity to talk about and promote a show you genuinely believe in.  It’s really great.” says Novakovic.

Despite the inherent film or stage-worthiness of her life story so far, when I ask her who would play her if such a film were to be made, Novakovic seems doubtful, but she’s quite confident in the casting.

“I’m not sure about [a movie being made], but my sister would play me.”

As for the girl who got a D in grade 3 English, Novakovic smiles confidently and suggests she’d give herself a much better result now.

“Oh an ‘A’, definitely.”

The Story of Mary MacLane by Herself is at the Malthouse Theatre from November 25th to December 11th.

Flares, Fun and Football: The game that had everything, except goals.

Three days after Melbourne played host to a friendly soccer match between Australia and Serbia, it is fair to say a 0:0 draw has rarely garnered so much attention.

Almost 30,000 people turned out on a chilly Tuesday night to Etihad Stadium to see two world-class football teams in an eagerly anticipated World Cup re-match.  Long before the first whistle was blown, it was evident the night would not disappoint.

In a game worthy of uniquely European football derbies there was colour, noise, politics, posters and fireworks.  No one was hurt (on or off the field), a small handful of supporters were removed by police (as is often the case at most large-scale international sporting events) and several flares were ignited (first by Socceroos supporters, then by both sides).  So why is it being painted as such a troublesome affair?

The main point of controversy is the unveiling of a banner from level 1 of the stadium displaying an image of Serbian hero and accused war criminal, Ratko Mladic (currently on trial at The Hague) between the text “Free Mladic.”  Controversy, which is perhaps rather ironic considering that most people outside of the Balkans have no idea who Ratko Mladic is or what significance he has to Serbian people, other than what they have read on their Ninemsn internet homepages within the past two weeks.

One thing is clear however; with various sections of Australian media pouncing on the opportunity to extract a sellable story from a scoreless game, and ill-informed individuals turning into political pundits, the end result can never be a positive one.

Victoria Police Inspector, Michael Beattie was quick to highlight his well-tuned generalisation skills from the outset.

“The only group that we had problems with were the active Serb Supporters.

These idiots… that was part of their viewing culture and it is just trash,” he said.

Insp. Beattie omitted any mention of the Socceroos supporter misbehaviour.  This included throwing the first flares of the evening and pointing lasers at Serbian players including Zoran Tosic and Neven Subotic during free kicks, an omission that has angered many in the wider Serbian community.

“I think that’s absurd,” said Abbey Stojanovic, who attended the match with her family.

“There was definitely controversy caused by some Australian supporters.  He really has picked on the Serbian supporters unfairly,” she said.

Suzana Tasic also attended the match with her family and challenged the validity of Insp. Beattie’s claims.

“Everyone in the stadium was passionate, just like for any other soccer game. Flares and chants are part of sporting nature.

“I think that it’s easy to point the finger at one or two people rather than look at the big picture – there were no major issues at all in the grand scheme of things at the game,” Mrs. Tasic said.

Insp. Beattie’s comments have been labeled ‘xenophobic’.  Some have even questioned the legitimacy of the “un-Australian” label he attached to supporters he deemed unfavourable, given Australian spectators’ own checkered past.

After the Geelong Football Club’s most recent Grand Final win, police arrested 35 supporters for being drunk and another 12 for offensive or anti-social behaviour.

Following the 2009 Boxing Day Test held at the MCG, 91 people were kicked out, 13 of them arrested for drunkenness.  Police also issued 28 penalty notices for drunk and anti-social behaviour, such as offensive language.  All culprits were “Australians.”

Despite this, Insp. Beattie has remained defiant, saying the stands at Etihad Stadium were full of “dancing and a lot of unhealthy carry-on”.

No word yet on whether Insp. Beattie plans on laying charges against Channel 7’s ‘Dancing With The Stars’.

With various news agencies smelling blood and getting into a feeding frenzy, FFA head of corporate affairs and communications, Kyle Patterson was quick to praise the success of the game and quash claims supporters marred it in any way.

“To say that they’re somehow a problem for football and a problem for the Serbian community is absolutely outrageous and we won’t be a part of that.”

Even after the last flare was extinguished and the final whistle had been blown, the ‘Free Mladic’ banner has continued to draw widespread attention, as was no doubt intended.

To put the issue into context, almost two weeks ago to the day, Serbian General, Ratko Mladic was captured and extradited to the war crimes court in The Hague – an action unpopular with a vast majority of Serbs who still view him as a hero.  Many Serbs who were actually saved and protected by Mladic’s forces from Islamic fundamentalist fighters managed to escape to Australia in the 90s.  Some were even in attendance at the match on Tuesday night.

For many of them, the memories of genocide against Serbs in Croatia and Bosnia-Herzegovina are still fresh, further fuelling their anger over General Mladic’s arrest.

According to filmmaker and political activist, Boris Malagurski, the protesters had every right to give voice to that discontent, so long as it was done peacefully.

“[General Mladic] hasn’t been convicted so he’s not a war criminal.

“[John F. Kennedy] himself once said that we’re all free to disagree with the law as long as we don’t disobey it, so we’re free to support who we want and it’s interesting that we have to remind Westerners of their own values” Mr. Malagurski said.

While the FFA has stated it does not support the use of football as a platform for political protest, mixing sport and politics is no new concept.  Sport has a passion, profile and influence unmatched throughout the world and has long been a tempting tool for activists.

Amongst boycotts of Olympic Games and refusals to tour South Africa during apartheid, one of history’s most prominent examples of peaceful protest was on the sporting field.

At a Mexico Olympics presentation ceremony in 1968, black athletes Tommie Smith and John Carlos, who won the gold and bronze medals for the 200 metres, made a celebrated civil rights protest.  They mounted the dais barefoot and raised one gloved hand in the black-power salute.

Both players were suspended and ordered out of the Games village.  Only after more than 20 years were their actions deemed “eloquent expressions of non-violent protest,” according to Olympic historian, David Wallechinsky.

“It’s about showing you stand for something bigger than sport,” said one of the Serbian protesters.

In stark contrast to their recent coverage of the Mladic protest, The Age newspaper in fact published an article less than five years ago entitled “It’s refreshing when sport and politics mix.”  What a difference a few years makes.

The loudest criticism has come from the Bosnian Muslim community who took offence to the banner remaining on display for the world to see for such a long period of time.

“This should be treated as a shameful act,” said Hariz Halilovich, a Bosnian Muslim from Monash University.

The FFA has disagreed and it is unlikely any action will be taken against spectators, especially due to the difficulty of identifying those responsible.

Many have defended the actions of the protesters, saying it was simply a group of people exercising their right to freedom of speech and peaceful protest with support coming from outside the Serbian community.

“I didn’t take offence to it… it didn’t affect play,” said one Socceroos supporter after the match.

“I can’t see the difference between that and a ‘Free Tibet’ banner out in the city.”

Whatever the future of football in Australia, it’s clear that there is a willingness and potential to make it a spectacle worthy of matching some of our European counterparts.

This may mean celebrating its successes rather than searching for its mistakes, and embracing its culture, however foreign it may seem – flares and all.