Zemlja Sporta: Mi Smo Taj Narod, Mi Smo Ta Ekipa

Zasto je ovo zemlja sporta? Stalno se prica da smo takva zemlja. Da smo "ta" zemlja. Ponekad se ljudima cini da smo jedva drzava ali retko da sumnjaju da smo zemlja ozbljnog znacaja kad je sport u pitanju. Vidimo po uspesima nasih sportista da je to istina ali ne moze se ova titula racunati samo po uspesima jer su Ameri, Kinezi, itd vrlo "uspesni" u sportu. To sto im se krv verovatno moze klasifikovati kao radioaktivan zbog dopinga je vec druga prica. Necu da brojim uspehe nasih sportista prvo jer ih ima previse, i drugo jer to nije smisao ovog clanka.

Mi smo ta ekipa sto se kapira u pokretu.

Ne, mi smo zemlja sporta uprkos tim uspesima. Mi smo zemlja sporta zato sto po logicnoj analizi ne bi trebali da budemo, a jesmo. Da li nam je to u genima, verovatno. Da li bi Karadjordje bio majstor za zakucavanje, nisam siguran. Da li bi Milos Obilic mogao sa reketom to sto je uspeo sa nozem, stvarno nemam pojma. Ali u ovome jesam siguran; sport je postao najbolji dokaz da iako je ekonomija u losem stanju, iako narod pati, iako neki nemaju sigurnost da ce sutra imati posao sa kojim su se vratili kuci danas, postoji bar jedno mesto gde sa trudom i sa borbom dokazano da cak i u ovakvom sistemu ljudi mogu uspeti.

Nase odbojkasice su objasnile.

Momci iz BG Sindikata su u pravu kad kazu da "ljudi slabo pamte, to je ovde glavni problem" ali nekad mi se cini da ljudi ovde pamte i uvek se sete da kad su nas politicari izdali, prodali i razocarali, sportisti nikad nisu. Sa ponosom kazemo da smo 'Zemlja Sporta' jer volimo sto se sport ne dobija na pregovore vec na borbe. Ne mora Brisel ni Bajden da se umesaju kad Nole ima tajbrejk ili kad Sale Nacionale trazi "tajm aut". Nasi sportisti su nam uvek bili uzor patriotizma, ljubavi prema otadzbini i dokaz da ipak postoje ljudi koji se nisu predali u borbi za buducnost ove zemlje iako sadasnjost ove zemlje ne izgleda uvek sjajano.

Sonja Petrovic i Ana Dabovic slave medalju. Igraju kolo kao sto igraju kosarku.

Mozda smo zemlja sporta zato sto nam to daje nadu da ce sve biti bolje, kad tad, jer u sportu nam nikada nije bilo gotovo, i kada je sve izgledalo da jeste. Da li su to trojke Saleta Djordjevica u poslednjoj sekundi, ili Grbicev skok van terena da spasi jedva zivu loptu i donese Srbiji zlatnu medalju, ili Milica Dabovic kad je usla u igru sa jednom vezanom rukom? Odgovor je da su sve te stvari i jos mnogo vise.

Pa sta se cudite?  Kod nas je sve ovo normalno.

Mi smo zemlja sporta zato sto za bas male investicije imamo mnogo "zarade". Mozemo nekako da oborimo svetske sile koji uloze grdne pare u sport i za kojima je infrastruktura na velikom nivou.  Mi smo zemlja sporta zato sto preko nasih sportista, vidimo da napredujemo.  Vidimo da neko juri ka cilju i ako ne dodje dotle, ipak sigurno ne stoji na mesto gde je poceo. Realno mi smo trn u oku ovim svetskim silama. Kad nase odbojkasice pobede amerikanke u polufinalu. Kad nam kosarkasice ne odustaju od borbe posle poraza, i vrate se kuci sa bronzom koja sija kao zlato. Tad, znajte kad vam prica decko koji je Srbin ali je na zapadu rodjen i odrastao - stvarno smo im trn u oku.

Mozemo biti ponosni sto realno nismo buket cveca u botanickoj basti za kojim se neko mnogo brine, pazi i trudi. Mi smo cvet koji bez polivanja i paznje nekako raste kroz beton zahvaljujuci samo ulicnoj kisi koja jedva dodje do nas pa se nekako i izgura da oseti sunce.

Sa nasom kosarkasicom Danijel Pejdz.  Bronzana medalja sa ukusom zlata.

Mi smo zemlja sporta ne zato sto drzava to snabdeva i finansira, vec zato sto nema investicija. Mi smo to sto jesmo zbog toga sto nismo, i to sto imamo, imamo zbog svega toga sto nikad nismo imali. Zato sto nasa motivacija nisu pare ni slava, vec patriotizam i inat. Ljubav prema zemlji koju zelimo da imamo a ne prema stanju u drzavi trenutno. 

Mi smo zemlja sporta zato sto se nikad nismo stidili i plasili se toga da smo david protiv Goliata. Zemlja sporta zato sto se igra kosarka na ulici u 1:30 ujutru dok se na zapadu igra samo do 17h (i to mora da bude u sredjenoj dvorani). Zemlja smo sporta zato sto nam je jedan od retkih dokaza koja su ostala da red, rad i disciplina jos vaze i da funkcionisu. Da u ovoj drzavi gde ljudi misle da ne moze da se uspeva, ovi sportisti stoje kao dokaz da mozemo. Dokaz da nase cerke nemaju razloga da gledaju starlete i da nasi sinovi nemaju razloga da budu kriminalci. Dokaz svega ovoga je bio aplauz i ovacije ne samo nasim sportistima sinoc koji su osvojili medalje, vec i onima koji nisu. Uzvikanje "sampioni" i "vi ste ponos Srbije" su dokaz da iako zelimo pobedu, na kraju krajeva postujemo borbu.

Svi kao jedan, i u dobru i u zlu, svim srcem!

Ja ne mogu da igram za reprezentaciju, moj put u zivotu je drugaciji. Ali bih voleo da se se borim za ovaj narod, za ovu zastavu i za ovu zemlju. I ponosan sam sto nase kosarkasice, odbojkasice, vaterpolisti, kosarkasi, rvaci i mnogi drugi imaju talenat, hrabrost i zelju da to urade za mene i za sve nas.

Ovo je zemlja sporta zato sto na neki nacin, tu nam nikada nije prestala borba. Kroz ratove, sankcije, inflacije i patnje, ovde smo uvek nasli neku srecu i neki uspeh. Za deo sveta koji je toliko patio zbog ratova, nas sportski rat (koji ce vecno trajati) je jedan koji je imao vise pobeda nego poraza, i sto je najbitnije, bez izgubljenog zivota. Mi smo zemlja sporta zato sto se smejemo ironiji u lice. Zemlja bez mora koja osvaja sve titule u vaterpolu. Zemlja koja pobedjuje Koreance u sportu koji su oni izmislili. Zemlja koja nema para, a ima mnogo zlata.

Dosli smo na docek iz Krusevca, Uzice i Australije.

Spomenucu jos jednom za kraj zato sto sam pun emocija ovih dana (kao sto ste sigurno svi vi koji citate ovo) zahvaljujuci nasim sportistima pa evo, mi smo zemlja sporta upravo iz ovog razloga; zato sto po svakoj logicnoj analizi ne bi trebali da budemo, a nekako jesmo. Zato sto tu svako moze da nadje srecu - kockar, umetnik, radnik, student, profesor, bolesnik i doktor, dete i deda. I dok tu postoji ta sreca, uvek ce se pojaviti nova generacija koja ce je ili traziti, naci, uzeti i deliti sa svima nama da nam ublazi bol i digne iz monotonije svakodnevnog zivota.


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10 (and a bit) Reasons You Should Absolutely Not Cheer for Novak Djokovic!

He’s the world number one who makes all of the players ranked below him look like a collective giant "number two".  In light of the fact that another series of Djokovic triumphs has us hearing a series of different criticisms from people trying to justify why they dislike him, I felt it only fair that I compile a list of a few criticisms that will finally outline some completely valid reasons for disliking the super-serving, rapid returner with the back-hand from the city Belgrade and the forehand from the land of 4C’s.

1.  ALL HE DOES IS WIN WIN WIN, NO MATTER WHAT!

Loyal Grand Slam customers get looked after if they make an 11th purchase.


Djokovic wins… a lot.  Like he wins pretty much everything.  Last year he had the most successful season in tennis history!  You’re not the only one with a pool room Djoker!  Wanna give someone else a chance!?  The ATP tour’s become a series of Djokovic re-runs.  People attending live Grand Slam finals have started turning to each other before the first serve and saying, “haven’t we already watched this match like 8 times?”  On top of that, again as winner of the Australian Open, he left with $3.8 million this year.  Now what one person calls “prize money”, someone else might call “regularly exceeding the amount of money one person is allowed to take out of the country.”  Whether he’ll appear on an episode of 'Border Patrol' anytime soon, we can’t say for sure.  What we can say for sure is just that it’s disappointing to see Eastern European migrants coming in and taking hard-working Aussie jobs!

2.  THE UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.

He grew up during a time when NATO and US forces were dropping depleted uranium on Serbia, soooo he’s probably radioactive.  It just doesn’t seem right to cheer for someone who appears to have radioactive superpowers and therefore an unfair advantage over the rest of the ATP players, am I right!?  He’s pretty much one of the X-Men.

3.  THE UNUSUAL YOUTH TRAINING.

Don't take my word for it, take mathematics' word for it.

The unfair training advantage of the support from NATO and the US doesn’t stop there.  For example, while Federer grew-up playing tennis at a Swiss estate where there was a pool, Djokovic grew-up playing tennis in an empty pool during a state of emergency.  While Murray was allowed to stop training when his coach blew the whistle, Djokovic was allowed to train until the army sounded the air raid siren.  It’s a level court so shouldn’t it be a level playing field?

4.  DIET AND DONATION.

Firstly, he’s single-handedly making Santa and the Easter Bunny look bad with his overwhelming generosity.  I mean following his 2016 Australian Open win, he donated $20,000 to Melbourne City Mission's early childhood learning program!  Where does he get off!?  Added to that, he’s gluten-free and he spends a lot of time helping sick children and the less fortunate.  You know what that means - he probably has a weak immune system and he’s in all likelihood contagious.  Yep, generous or contagious people!?  Stick with people like Rafa; who seems to only have some sort of anal itch, and Kyrgios; whose charity work is limited to getting his brother and mates free tickets to his games.  Really, they’re the healthier option.

5.  MUM’S THE WORD.

Someone's not getting bitty tonight!

He’s defeated Murray dozens of times in front of his mum.  In front of his own mum!  Do you know how much that strains a relationship between a mother and son when the son repeatedly flies the mother out to the other side of the world only to see him embarrassed on each occasion?!  I bet she can’t even look Andy in the eyes when she breastfeeds him anymore.

6.  MR. NICE GUY.

He’s a nice guy AND he’s the world No.1!  Has he no respect for the sacred “nice guys finish last” rule!  If Djokovic keeps up this kind of behaviour, it’s going to force the wider community to question their belief system in terms of success and more importantly, where are all of Nick Kyrgios’ supporters going to go!?  Also, let's not forget he’s a Serbian coached by a German.  Between the two men’s countries dominating basketball, football, waterpolo and volleyball just to name a few sports, now they’re taking over tennis as well!  With the Serbian talent for sporting domination combined with the German quest for world domination, the west is screwed if WW3 is a sporting event.

7.  HE DE-RAILED THE FED-EXPRESS:

Started from the top and now my whole crew here.

He’s better than Roger Federer.  Wait, or is it “Federerer”?  How many “er’s” are there in this dude’s name anyway!?  Meh, I digress – Novak, you aren’t allowed to be better than Roger Federer!  Do you know how hard it is to draw a double-headed eagle on a tri-colour flag with face paint!?  It’s certainly a lot harder than cheering “Go Roger!” and drawing a first aid sign on one's face with two colours (one if you’re sunburnt or really pale)!  When you’ve been told by the mainstream media for so long that Federer is the "greatest of all time" and you go and kit yourself out with the appropriate supporters’ gear based on that assumption, only to have it proven wrong, where does that leave you with your credit card debt from SwissSupportersShop.com!?  Where does that leave you and your house full of Swiss flags that make you look like you live in a battlefield hospital and your collection of ‘RF’ caps that make you look like the most epic supporter of the Rotary Foundation in history!?

8 (and a bit).  THE UNPREDICTABLE BEHAVIOUR.

What’s with his erratic behaviour too!?  Like when he applauds his opponent when he makes a good shot and then smiles happily when he wins?  I’m sorry, haven’t you learned anything from Federer?  Why can’t you just ignore the achievements of your opponent and then cry when you win?!

*Sidenote:  It’s also okay to say Djokovic is arrogant once you’ve decided you dislike him.  I haven’t really made Webster’s Dictionary my bed time reading choice of late, but I’m pretty sure it outlines the definition of ‘arrogance’ as; “the expression of happiness from a person you dislike following a success they have achieved in spite of your overt dislike for them.”  Yep, a safe bet is this; happy Djokovic = "arrogant", sad Djokovic = "sore loser".  How much better do you feel about yourself now!?  It’s like I just poured you an extra glass of weekend on a Monday morning!

9.  SOMETHING DOESN’T ADD UP.

I stand by my made-up, non-existent movie.

He’s a Serbian guy that beats the very Anglo opponents he faces.  So I imagine it’s a massive shock to most of you that this flies in the face of what you’ve no doubt learned watching movies like 'Behind Enemy Lines' and 'The Peacemaker' where the guy with the Slavic last name is always the bad guy and always loses.  This isn’t sport, this is fan fiction!

10.  HE’S A BAD HOUSEGUEST.

Djokovic has won six trophies and more prize money at the Australian Open than any other competitor.  So he comes to Australia, as our guest year-in year-out, and like inviting a kleptomaniac tradie over to your house after hours for dinner, you end-up paying him handsomely only to have him leave the country with your finest silverware.

So in the end, let’s not forget Djokovic is the world number one.  He’s the best in the world at his job.  Yet every time he comes to work, he’s got to deal with several hundred people cheering for the guy who’s just rocked-up trying to get him fired and take his job.  People who probably watch the movie ‘Happy Gilmore’ and cheer for Shooter McGavin over Happy Gilmore.  A Wimbledon crowd that probably cheers for Johnny Lawrence against Daniel LaRusso in ‘The Karate Kid’ and a capacity Arthur Ashe Stadium that in all likelihood when watching ‘Indiana Jones & the Raiders of The Lost Ark’, cheers for the rolling giant ball rather than Indy.

If you read this as a genuine “how to” guide, there’s a chance you might have a severe 'Fed-oepus complex' (where you want to eliminate Federer’s wife and have an intimate relationship with Roger).  If you laughed, share it with your friends, cheer for Nole and show everyone that the Djoker is the King.

The King is still well and truly in the building.

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Veliko Lajanje Sitnih Pasa: Odgovor Albancima pred početak 'Euro 2016'

Ovo je otvoreno pismo upućeno Albanskom narodu, fudbalskim navijačima, fudbalerima i svim Srbima koji danas verovatno dele slične frustracije kao ja, ali možda ne znaju kako to da izraze.  Juče je bio dan pomešanih emocija.  U jednom trenutku smo saznali da je Nole po šesti uzastopni put osvojio turnir u Pekingu.  U drugom trenutku, gledali smo kako je fudbalska reprezentacija Srbije poražena od Portugalije i onda, kao so na živu ranu, saznali smo da su komšije Albanci pobedili Jermeniju i da idu na Evropsko Prvenstvo u Francusku umesto nas.  Kao kad saznaš da ti je neprivlačan i nezaposleni poznanik našao devojku dok ti moraš da sediš kući sam u Subotu uveče.  Nacija kojoj Francuzi nerado daju vize za ulazak u državu, sada će im biti gosti na ‘Euro 2016’.  Nepoželjan gost je ipak dobio poziv za žurku iako loše igra i jedini poklon koji bi mogao da donese je dron.

Bez obzira na to, ne pišem ovo iz zavisti ili zbog toga što mislim da oni nisu zaslužili da idu na ‘Euro 2016.’  Ne, iza ovog stoji nešto dublje u meni.  Nešto što objašnjava kako mi se u času promenilo raspoloženje kad sam stao za trenutak i razmislio o situaciji malo bolje.

Albanski navijači posle pobede njihove reprezentacije.

  

Meni, kao verovatno većini među nama, delovalo je bezobrazno dok sam gledao kako Albanci slave kvalifikovanje za Euro 2016 i kako Srbe i Srbiju izazivaju i psuju.  Bilo mi je nenormalno, nelogično i nejasno kako neko može tako da se ponaša ili toliko da se raduje samo kvalifikaciji.  Šta li bi tek bilo kada bi osvojili turnir!?

Onda sam razmišljao kako Albanci nisu navikli na velike uspehe kroz svoju istoriju, a kamoli sportske.  Oni nikada nisu imali čast da gledaju kako su im žene prvakinje evrope u košarci, ili odbojci.  Kako su im košarkaši svetski i evropski prvaci.  Kako im vaterpolo savez mora da traži veće prostorije jer jedva ima mesta za sve medalje, pehare i nagrade.  Nisu imali privilegiju da gledaju kako im fudbaleri stoje na krovu sveta i evrope. Da imaju svog Noleta ili Španovićevu.  Njihova skupštinska terasa je mesto gde golubovi mogu da bezbrižno sede i kake jer nikada nisu morali da se sklone da naprave mesta za doček uspešnih sportista.  Umesto da imaju svoju Milicu Mandić koja se bori i dobija zlato na olimpijskim igrama, njihovi dobiju batine od Liama Neesona na filmu.  Mi imamo zlatne generacije, a oni crno tržište.  Mi žalimo što na ispitu nismo dobili najbolju ocenu koju najčešće dobijamo, dok su oni presrećni jer su prvi put u istoriji jedva dobili prelaznu ocenu.

Skupštinska terasa Tirane.          Skupštinska terasa Beograda.

Njihove prozivke i psovke, ne samo da me više ne nerviraju, nego su mi sada čak i žalosno smešni.  Smešni su zato što sam shvatio nešto vrlo bitno i to je da narod koji nikad nije imao ničim da se ponosi, ne može ni da zna šta je ponos i kako se on pokazuje.  I kada ne zna kako da bude ponosan, bude to što jeste, narod koji je teško podnositi a kamoli voleti.

Kad sam sve ovo shvatio i sam sebi pojasnio, tog trenutka su prestali da mi budu neprijatni i bezobrazni vec nacija koju treba žaliti.  Bilo mi je žao što postoji narod koji slavi kvalifikaciju dok mi najčešće slavimo pobedničke pehare.  Bilo mi je smesno što narod koji nas nije mogao pobediti ni na prevaru kada smo bili najslabiji, pravi se da je bolji od nas.

Kako stvari stoje danas 13/10/15; 'dvoglavni orao' značajno jači od 'dvoglavnog labuda.' 

Zato na kraju, ovu poruku šaljem njima.  Vi niste bolji, niti ćete ikada biti bolji od nas. Baš zbog toga što već niste, a mislite da jeste.  Baš zato što se bavite malim stvarima, što živite kao sitne duše dok mi gajimo velike sportiste i ljudine koji slave ogromne pobede.  Vi ste samo mali ljudi sa zastavama “velike” Albanije.  Ali vam čestitam. Stvarno, svaka vam čast na velikoj kvalifikaciji, samo javite gde će biti doček vaših fudbalera u Tirani kad ispadnu u grupnoj fazi.

13 Things that had us Mopin' at the Open

With a Djokovic win and a Sharapova grunt, the 2015 Australian Open comes to a close.  The first grand slam of the year and the perfect time of year for people who like their sports with no time limit or Australian representation in the final.  The time of year that we realise that at its core, tennis is more than a sport – it’s really the perfect metaphor for an unhappy marriage – two people start out with ‘love’, they spend time together going at it, but after a while they’re just two angry looking, exhausted individuals in court fighting over money, and seeing who gets to keep the ornate punchbowl and who has to be stuck with the silver drinks tray.  The doubles, well that's just double dates or swingers parties gone wrong.  So with that in mind and knowing there’s so much to love about the ‘happy slam’, with less expletives than commentary by Andy Murray’s other half, here’s a look at a few of the things that make us want to backhand the Australian Open and some of the decisions we'd like to call 'challenge' on.

When Corporate won't Cooperate

First and foremost, let’s address the issue of the vast number of empty corporate seats at most matches.  Sure you people have paid for it or slept with your boss for it so it’s yours to do with it what you will, so technically you can leave it unattended.  But that’s like you’ve broken up with your supermodel girlfriend who has a thing for tall guys of Eastern European background but you still won’t let me ask her out because you might be interested in her again later.  Realistically, the corporate and members area shouldn’t even be ticketed, it should be filled purely on the basis of “Who called ‘SHOTGUN!’”.  If that system was implemented, you would never see a late arrival to the tennis ever again or an empty seat on the baseline.  Knowing these morons, they probably have a hot wife that sleeps in a separate bed, a pool they don’t swim in and a Ferrari they never drive.  Perhaps what ticks us off the most about these empty seats is that no one is allowed to shift down and fill them.  It takes a special kind of douchebag to leave a seat that good empty.  Why have it if you can’t use it!?  It’s like Stephen Hawking having a private basketball court or Kim Kardashian owning her own private library.

The Commentators

While most get it right, you can always pick the commentator who makes it abundantly clear they’d really rather be watching a local Auskick clinic and couldn’t pick a tennis ball out of a sports ball police line-up (why were the sport balls in a police line-up you ask? – Because all were arrested for excessive speeding!  *insert dad joke drum beat here).  The one whose inability to pronounce player surnames correctly is surpassed only by their desire to pull out useless facts that leave you screaming at the TV screen, “thanks mate, but I’m not sure that Andy Murray’s fondness for the TV show ‘Entourage’ is what’s hampering his first serve percentage tonight.”  Let’s not over analyse every facet of the game – some players are good, some aren’t.  Yes this player changed a racquet in the third set, but it’s not exactly the most dramatic of turning points.  It’s not like he had to play out the rest of the match with a range of pans from the Jamie Oliver kitchenware collection.  “Sure the saucepan provides greater depth for top spin on the ball, but the hot-spot fry pan allows for a flatter forehand winner.”

The 'Fanatics'

The small group of green & gold-wearing Aussie supporters who look like a tennis ball threw-up on them.  The team who for one week a year ask for time off from Subway and their ‘captain’ takes time off from being a Corey Worthington impersonator, to distract some of the world's best as they take on some of Australia's best.  With their fluro colours and range of cheers, they kind of look like a boys’ church choir that grew-up, got hooked on party drugs and had trouble finding places to perform.

No Deal on Nadal

Having to listen to girls talk about how beautiful Rafael Nadal is.  That's the thing about Australia being so far away from Europe and the power of celebrity – it means a language with an in-built speech impediment is looked at as exotic and a receding hairline and bald spot are overlooked.  He's one career-ending knee injury away from having to set-up a Spanish ‘E-harmony’ account – ‘Si-harmonia’.  Before you dream of spending the rest of your life with Nadal ladies, imagine the reality of the situation; he has bad knees and his hands blister easily so getting him to do any of the work around the house is almost impossible, he sweats profusely so he’s always doing a load of washing and his English is horrible so every time he calls you for something, you end-up hanging up thinking it’s a call centre operator.

Those Living Aboard the "Fed-Express"

Roger Federer has all the precision and personality of Robocop or the Terminator with a tennis racquet.  In fact, the only thing that makes me believe Federer is human is that we’ve seen him cry so many times, and even then I’m surprised he didn’t rust.  People that cheer for Roger Federer over anyone else were probably also cheering for Shooter McGavin when they watched the movie “Happy Gilmore”.  Yes, I said it – Roger Federer is the ‘Shooter McGavin’ of men’s tennis.  If you have a friend that’s a die hard Federer supporter, there’s also a pretty good chance that when you’re playing ‘Pong’ on the computer, they’re cheering for the computer.  (*Note:  For those born post 1995, ‘Pong’ was a game like Nintendo Wii Tennis but for the lazy and over-weight).

The Great Australian Plight

It’s always great to see some support for the Aussies, but last year Sam Stosur and Lleyton Hewitt both went out in the first round, this year they both went out in the second.  How many Grand Slam third rounds do they have to not make it to before Aussie pundits stop referring to their defeats as “shock exits.”  Every game point they claim should be hailed as a “shock triumph” and if they make a final, it should be declared a public holiday.

The Baseline Camera

The camera angle enjoyed solely by people with a calf muscle fetish and penchant for butt sweat or for when you want to have no concept of where the ball is or where it’s going at any time whatsoever.  It’s the camera angle for when you want the full experience of being an oompa loompa with courtside seats to the badminton.  All the joy of watching someone up close as they’re sweating profusely combined with the visual benefits of being stuck behind someone taller than you anywhere but in a game of dodgeball.  It makes us feel like a mute linesperson and it’s got to boot.

Cross-court Tension meets Cross-promotion

Because what’s more perfect during the tension of a break point in a semi-final than being reminded of the fact that the new season of ‘Better Homes and Gardens’ and ‘My Kitchen Rules’ is starting soon.  Now not only am I stressed out about the fact that Djokovic might lose this match, but I’m also reminded that I’m a sub-standard cook and what a crappy state my kitchen and lounge room are in.

The Price is Wrong

Apparently the Australian Open is under the impression that they’re an economy of their own.  A slice of advice organisers; unless that pizza you’re selling was delivered fresh from Napoli by one or both Super Mario Bros via fighter jet after being blessed by the Pope himself, there’s no reason a piece should be setting us back 12 dollars.  Combined with the long lines, it actually becomes cheaper and faster to call Dominos and have them deliver to the gates of Melbourne Park.  I don’t see Australian Open organisers offering any “if it takes longer than 30 minutes to arrive, it’s free” guarantees so this is actually the safer bet.  Also, simple rule; if it’s mid-strength beer, it shouldn’t be max cost.

The 'Super Fan'

An interesting species, the ‘super fan’ comes out of hibernation for these two weeks of the year and can sometimes be identified by their facepaint and tendency to become vocal when provoked or their territory is threatened.  Often, they can be found circulating beside the training courts and outside the hotels of their most loved tennis stars.  But more than that, these are the fans who just love the players a bit too much.  I get it, you’re thrilled he won, and then he throws a shoe or a sweaty wrist band in your direction and you'll knock out your nanna when diving for it.  Now that's fine as long as you behave like this in every facet of your life.  The next time you visit your accountant at the end of the financial year and he secures you a great tax return, and in the joy of the moment he throws his sweaty bonds under singlet or socks to you, you can’t show disgust – you catch that token of gratitude and you hold it high!

How do you Solve a Problem like Arena?

Having to explain to people that it’s called ‘Margaret Court Arena’ and not just ‘Margaret Court’.  Her name is ‘Margaret Court’ so I understand the confusion that her surname is the same as the place named after her but let’s get it right and look past it.  I feel for you Margaret Court, in the same way I feel for Tina Arena.

Two Weekends at Bernie's

Australians seem to love 'Big Brother' so can’t we combine that into the Australian Open and give punters the option of voting out at least one player before the tournament even starts?  This is where Bernard Tomic comes in.  From his off-court antics to his complaints about scheduling, it’s pretty clear that he’s the Justin Bieber of Australian tennis.  On behalf of all of us Bernie, you’ve fared better than 99% of people going to the tournament – you’ve gotten a seat right on court, you’ve been paid to attend even though you’ll in all likelihood leave the tournament early and you’ve got a free lift to and from the stadium.  When you have to pay $170 admission to sit so far up in Rod Laver Arena that you actually have to duck when Jetstar’s evening Avalon-bound flight is preparing to land, plus pay for a return V-line train ticket that has you praying your match doesn’t go past 11:30 pm so you can race to catch the midnight service to Geelong, then come cry me a Yarra River Bernie.

The Good, the Bad & the Ana

Last, but most certainly not least, when Ana Ivanovic is knocked out in the first round (for at least the male portion of tennis-goers) this does more damage to Australian Open ticket sales than reports that an Ebola-carrying hurricane is headed for Rod Laver Arena.  More men have ditched their women’s tennis tickets after Ana Ivanovic was knocked-out than have ditched their Malaysian Airline honeymoon tickets after two flights didn’t reach their destinations in as many months.  Every time Ana Ivanovic loses, an angel loses its wings.  A Victoria’s Secret angel but an angel nonetheless.  Sure there are still talented players around in the competition but she was the prettiest.  Seeing her lose on the first day of the tournament is like Adriana Lima leaving a Victoria's Secret fashion show after 5 minutes, and then 'Dimmys & Forges' models take over the catwalk for the remainder of the show.

So as the ball kids go back to their ball families, the linespeople go back to their day-to-day lines and the players store their racquet bags and free Australian Open towels back in their closets, we say 'game-set-match' to another big Australian Open.  For all these minor inconveniences and quirks, we love it like a fit kid loves gluten-free cake and we look forward to welcoming the "unhappy couples" back again for another exciting couple of weeks next January.


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All Aboard the Balkan Express! 10 Reasons to Set Off on a Serbian Adventure!

Attention back-packers, frequent flyers and Lonely Planeteers! This is a public service announcement telling you that it’s time you looked past Phuket, beyond Bali and further than Fiji in search of that completely unique getaway you’re after that won’t break the budget. I can assure you it’s great because Jetstar doesn’t fly there and it’s safe enough to warrant you not wrapping your suitcases in 12 packs of Glad Wrap before you check-in your luggage. Here’s the deal; ensure your seat back and tray tables are in their full upright position and you’ve left all emotional baggage behind, because I’m about to take you through 10 reasons why Serbia should be your destination of choice and how it’s going to restore your enthusiasm about taking a European vacation. 

The People



Serbia was just voted in at #5 in a poll of the most attractive countries in the world. To put that in context – this is a country that borders (among other countries) Bulgaria, Albania and Romania. So to say genetics play a bigger part than geography is an understatement. From tanned skins rarely susceptible to sunburn, to beautiful features and people with genetic cocktails that allow them to generally drink and eat large quantities without gaining weight, the benefits of being a nation that was never an English colony are endless. Another bonus; hipsters don’t exist in Serbia! On the off chance that you do see a person with tattered pants, dishevelled hair and a woollen jumper that looks like they knitted it themselves, they’re not a hipster – they’re homeless. In a country where the girls are tall and the men are taller, probably the only people who are going to be a little disheartened in Serbia might be short guys. You know what girls in Serbia call guys under 5ft 10”? Nothing… girls in Serbia don’t call guys under 5ft 10”. With a female population that lead you to believe there’s a potential cover girl around every corner, it may be Victoria’s Secret but it’s Serbia’s reality.

The Food

In short, from fine dining to fast food, Serbia’s a country where ‘low fat’ labels go to die. From gourmet burgers that would make McDonald’s their McBitch to pastries that ignore the existence of any such thing as ‘gluten free people’ and offer only a ‘survival of the fittest’ approach to dining evolution – Serbia is to food what China is to mathematics. It’s also one of the only countries in the world to have completely banned GMO products, which is like a big F.U to the E.U, U.S and U.N… and Serbs are O.K with that. Ultimately, you’ve got to love a country where when you go to a bakery, yoghurt isn’t a dip – it’s a beverage.

The Culture

If you’re wondering where all that hospitality that the French seem to be lacking went, it’s over here. It’s been divided-up pretty evenly among the Serbs, with a disproportionately high quantity going to every Serb grandmother with a pulse and a stovetop. Unlike Australia, the only time you’ll hear someone in Serbia ask you to “bring a plate” to a get-together is when they literally want you to bring an empty plate so they can pile it up and send you home with more of their food you couldn’t fit into your guts in the first sitting. You might arrive hungry, but you’ll never leave that way. While western households tend to say that “less is more”, Serbs believe “less is an insult and more is in all likelihood still not enough”. In short, in Serbia texting someone the letters ‘BYO’ is more offensive than ‘F.U.’

The Affordability 

Don’t get too excited when you see Serbian dinar notes with a couple of zeros on them, Richie Rich. It’s probably just the equivalent of a few dollars. The good news is that while Serbia is located in the heart of Europe, it’s not a European Union member. The currency is still the Serbian dinar (RSD) and not the Euro, which means more savings for you, the travelling consumer. It’s pretty much like Serbia’s the only homeowner in a beautiful street where most of its neighbours come over to have fun because they’re all stuck renting from the same douche bag German landlord. Even in when it comes to looking for accommodation in Belgrade (the most expensive city in Serbia), a one-bedroom apartment close to the centre will set you back around $260 AUD a month, your average beer price is around 170 RSD ($2 AUD) for a pint, while you can pick-up the gourmet burger I mentioned earlier for around 250 RSD ($3 AUD). Basically, it’s cheap enough to warrant making it your first choice destination, but not so cheap that you classify it as a third-world destination. A Paris holiday on an almost Bangkok budget.

The Morning, Afternoon & Nightlife

Serbia is a place where socialising is such an important part of life, it was in fact a socialist country for more than half of the 20th century! Like a real-life Balkan Facebook, the country is a living breathing social network, where everyone’s online at any time of the day and night, there’s plenty to see and yet no one’s going to walk-up to ask you to come checkout Farmville with them. Whether you spend your time wandering, your money shopping or your energy partying, rest assured Serbia’s open and operating 24-7. Busy city beaches, consumption of alcohol in public and floating raft nightclubs (splavovi) on the rivers that run through the country are just a few examples of why it’s fun and games at all times of the day in Serbia. It’s the perfect setting for another ‘Hangover’ sequel and it’s no coincidence that neither the words ‘Serbia’ nor ‘fun’ contain the letters ‘OH&S’!

The Festivals

There are 4 ‘Cs’ on the Serbian coat of arms and you could be forgiven for thinking they all stand for ‘Celebrate’. From foods you love to eat to beverages you love to drink and music you love to dance, sing and play air-instruments along to, you can be sure that Serbia has a festival celebrating them. ‘Belgrade Beerfest’ corrects all of the mistakes made by Oktoberfest; more live bands, cheaper beer, fewer Germans. Voted best festival in the world and winning the award for “Best Major European Festival 2014” is Exit Festival in Novi Sad. It combines modern music and pyrotechnics set against the ancient backdrop of the Petrovaradin fortress on the Danube River so it’s like ‘Game of Thrones’ meets ‘Big Day Out’. Then there’s Guca Trumpet Festival. A festival where for a few days every year in August, a quiet village of 2,000 people opens its gates to a river of alcohol, roast meats, brass music and around 500,000 people. An eruption of joy, gypsies and insane frivolities worthy of Dan Bilzerian’s Instagram account. I know that even as you read this, you probably don’t believe it because in Australia and much of the western world, brass music is usually associated with pubescent boys or geriatric gentlemen in marching bands and camp military costumes, that usually form the soundtrack for the dissolution of the human sex drive. Basically, an atmosphere that’s about as arousing and as likely to get you up and excited as watching your grandparents making out while their teeth are in respective glass jars beside them. Rest assured, in Serbia there are more than a few gypsies waiting to prove you wrong in exchange for what here might be considered pocket change.

The Capital City – ‘Belgrade’

If New York and Paris got together and had a lovechild that combined the rugged coolness of the former and the euro-chic style of the latter, then had to give that baby up for adoption to a good family so that London didn’t get jealous, then Belgrade is that baby and Serbia’s signed the adoption papers. I really don’t know what I can say about this city that compliments it enough; it’s got old-school charm, modern day style and eternal beauty. If Kanye wasn’t so hooked-up on Chicago, he’d write a song about it. It’s also a city where hot people use public transport! Yes! You wouldn’t think this is such a massive a selling point, but you’d be surprised how much easier it is to go without a car and how significantly the complaints about late public transport reduce when you’re fare-evading alongside a woman that looks like she’s Adriana Lima’s Slavic cousin. Belgrade was again voted “Best City to Visit in Europe in 2014” by travel site Yomadic and is regularly in Lonely Planet’s Top 5 world destinations. I’m not going to say it’s Heaven but you do pay no admission to get in, it’s name in English literally translates to “White City” and there’s a good chance the guy stamping your passport at Belgrade airport customs and deciding whether to let you enter the country will be called ‘Petar’. Sooooo, you be the judge…. Amen.

The Sport

Sport is as much a part of Serbian culture as mono-brows and an inherent fear of Liam Neeson are to Albanian culture. So much so that it’s probably the only country in the world where you can find basketball and tennis courts inside the walls of a 1500 year-old fortress. Amusingly, this also makes it incredibly easy to convince many American tourists that Serbs defeated the Ottoman Turks in a game of 3on3 or that the Second Serbian Uprising was decided in a 5th set tie-breaker. World and European champions in sports from waterpolo & tennis to football & volleyball, not to mention more World Championship basketball gold medals than any other country, it would seem Serbia’s run the ‘human race’ and lapped every other nation along the way. Whether you want to watch it, play it or just bet on it – sport in Serbia isn’t a past time – it’s a way of life.

The History

Serbia really lives up to the phrase; ‘Poor economy, rich history’. It’s a history that’s seen more battles than Rambo, more rulers than a Catholic schoolboy’s backside and more major events than Ticketek. So much so that the Serbian flag is the only flag other than the U.S flag to have flown above the White House. Another interesting fact is that the word “vampire” comes from the Serbian language and Serbia is also responsible for exporting most of the world’s raspberries. So if you’re a Twilight fan who also enjoys eating Pavlova, you’re welcome. Serbia even took the time to give the world Novak Djokovic, Ana Ivanovic, Nemanja Vidic, Albert Einstein’s wife and to give Australia Sam Kekovich and two Stefanovic brothers. It’s also the country responsible for Nikola Tesla; the ‘man who lit the world’, designed (among other things) Alternating Current and therefore without whom we wouldn’t have the band 'AC/DC'.

The Sightseeing

Without going on about it too much, Serbia’s basically like a giant Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory; there’s heaps to see, most of it’s edible and you can actually drink straight from some of the rivers. As for the oompa loompas, they live next door and are called ‘Romanians’. In addition to the monasteries, the architecture and the resorts, there’s more natural beauty than you can poke a stick at. Over 30% of Serbia is covered by forest including 5 national parks, 22 nature reserves and most importantly, no Ivan Milat. With plenty of hiking and rafting tours to choose from as well as an abundance of cascading waterfalls and rushing rivers, despite what R&B trio ‘TLC’ may have told you, in Serbia at least, you can go chasing waterfalls and stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.

So take the opportunity to visit a nation where the natural beauty of the country is surpassed only by the overwhelming hospitality of the people and the range of adventures on offer. You’ll fall in love with this land where surnames ending in ić are common and can rest assured that even if you’ve got 99 problems, an ić ain’t one.

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