‘The X-YU Factor’ – 7 Easy Steps to Balkan Pop Stardom

If Shakespeare was right and “all the world’s a stage”, then Eastern Europe’s standing in the spotlight with its people singing and dancing away in front of the old ‘iron curtain’.  Now I’m not painting it as a region of show tunes and spirit fingers.  With a seemingly endless supply of Eurovision contenders and popstars with catchy tunes, it’s a healthy balance of kitsch and cool.  It’s arguably the best place in the world to consider a path to the top of the pops and they have a fine-tuned formula for success.  So if you’re one of the budding performers out there less interested in climbing a “stairway to heaven” and more interested in taking the less arduous “escalator to fame”, this might just be the handy instruction guide you’ve been looking for.  From concept to reality, here are your ‘poptions’.

Step #1 – Sing about the unattainable not the affordable

The first step to Balkan pop stardom is simple; make sure you’re singing about things no normal person in your home country can afford.  Few things will make you look like a big star more than appearing to live a life your formerly-Socialist listeners couldn’t.  This means making sure you’re singing about rolling in Audis and Ferraris in the Summer time on the way to a private party on the Adriatic coast aboard a yacht with models and top-shelf drinks.  Fact; no one ever wrote a hit song based around trying to jump start a Fiat on their Winter caravan park holiday by a pond in Romania.  The ‘rule of three’ is a safe bet for what your song should contain; luxury cars, excessive alcohol consumption and the Montenegrin coast.

Here are a couple of popular and sure-fire song themes to get you started:

Winning theme for girls:  You’ve just broken up with your boyfriend, you’re fine about it and now you’re heading out with 16 of your closest girlfriends to drink, dance and party the night away.

Winning theme for guys:  Your girlfriend’s just broken up with you, you’re fine with it and now you’re going to try and woo a new one with a combination of a fast car, VIP parties and all-night partying and drinking.

This leads me to the next step….

Step #2 – Gratuitous product placement is essential

You don’t know how long this Miley Cyrus 'Balkan wrecking ball of fame' is going to keep swinging so do everything you need to do, short of naming the song “Cash for Comment”.  Include lyrics like, “cruising in my Merc while I’m sipping on some Moet, grab a booth at Eve then Crown Casino’s where we’re going.”  In the midst of that, make sure you mention so many capital cities that Google Maps might want to chase you for royalties.  You haven’t made a truly catchy and kitschy Balkan pop song until you’ve mentioned the top ten cities that Eastern Europeans have migrated to in the last 50 years.  From Zurich and Vienna to Berlin and Sydney, start practicing your pronunciations.

Step #3 – Piano accordion or trumpet solos are ‘instrumental’ to success

Whether your song is a woeful tale of lost love or a power ballad with more electronica than a Berlin rave, you don’t have a chance at a hit unless you squeeze in the old squeezebox somewhere.  Think of it as a piano you can walk around with that has the sounds of summer inside it.  As for the sound of Balkan trumpets, they’ll get people up on their feet quicker than a surprise terror raid by federal police.  It might even mean that you have the privilege of being ripped off by Jason DeRulo.

Step #4 – It’s OK to make a DJ your new BFF

You’re going full Balkan on this one so you have no choice but to do it right.  This means teaming up with an average-looking Eastern European DJ who seems hell-bent on his main contribution to the track being a short blurb about the song and random announcements throughout the track in very broken English.  I mean properly ‘written-off’ English.  Like ‘Allianz’ Insurance would need to replace his accent and vocabulary kind of ‘broken English’.  The technical term for the accent you’re looking for is ‘Eurovision vote announcer’.

Step #5 – Be your own hair, make-up and wardrobe team

In terms of the male Balkan popstar hopefuls, a $200 gift voucher to spend at Tarocash and $20 for Hairhouse Warehouse will have you covered.  As for the potential Balkan popstarlets, in much of Eastern Europe the saying “less is more” may not apply to meal sizes or economic strength, but it definitely applies to the outfits of the female popstars.  You could be forgiven for thinking the people hardest hit by the economic crisis in Europe have been Eastern European clothing retailers.  The budget for wardrobe is usually inversely proportional to the budget the singer’s spent on cosmetic surgery.  So say $45,000 has been spent on nips, tucks, fills, extensions, keeping things up and sucking things in, the wardrobe receipt should be around $16.50 for a white two-piece bikini that only gets more revealing as the video clip progresses.  It actually makes a lot of sense; if you’ve gone ahead and spent $250,000 on a new sports car, you wouldn’t go and cover it up now would you?

Step #6 – Making music doesn’t mean having to make sense

For the Balkan popstar, the irrelevant and illogical video clip narrative is king.  This means even that if for some reason you choose to sing about your tough upbringing and the state of human rights in the world today, you’re still well within your creative rights to do so alongside bikini-clad girls or oiled-up guys on a beach in Mykonos.  It’s important that your video clip and lyrics make no sense when compared to one another.  That means more room for creativity plus it should at least double your YouTube hits as people go back to watch the video again in a quest to figure out exactly what’s going on in it.  You want to leave your audience asking questions like, “Did they just use this as a chance to hook up with the model acting opposite them in that video?”  Make sure at some point in the video you’re throwing around dollar/euro bills at an amount the equivalent of the GDP of Bulgaria.  If, on top of this, your song and video clip contain more spilling of champagne than a Formula 1 Grand Prix winner’s podium, you’re on the right track.

Step #7 – Cooking-up the video: Turn up the heat and just add water

Hot Balkan pop hits aren’t set in the cold so your video should make it look like Summer in Eastern Europe is year-long and Winter’s been exported to England.  Plus it’s harder to get away with wearing a lace bikini or singlet when you’re standing in front of a glacier rather than a beach bar.  Summer videos are the realm of hit pop songs and attractive people enjoying life.  Winter videos on the other hand are for Bear Grylls expeditions and Rocky Balboa training montages.  Remember, this is why people write songs about partying away in Serbia rather than “living it up in Siberia”.  If you’re a girl singing, your lyrics should be telling the opposite of your visuals.  Sure you’re drinking copious amounts, dancing with strangers, wearing next to nothing and have filmed a sex tape prior to the launch of your pop career, but you should definitely remind people incessantly that you’re not ‘easy’.  Partying by the beach is essential.  Realistically, the bigger the body of water, the better.  The video should show you either on it, in it or beside it.  Here’s a guide for you; ither on it,Sea > Lake > River > Swamp.  However a private pool on a boat, in a club or above a hotel is like your Uno ‘Wild Card’ and trumps them all.

So there you have it, your step-by-step guide to becoming the Balkan popstar you've always admired from afar but thought just disappeared into hibernation in a Macedonian cave somewhere once Eurovision was over each year.  In the end, I guess to really achieve that vibe of the true Balkan popstar, your song and video should basically be the TAC and VicRoads' worst nightmare; a mix of young people drinking excessively, driving fast cars with no seat belts on while standing up with the roof down.  After all - one man's Euro trash is another man's treasure!


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Euro-Mission – A Journey to Eurovision 2012

Welcome to the unofficial, unabridged, unprofessional but undeniably amusing re-cap of Eurovision 2012.  Immensely popular in Australia, it’s like ‘Contiki: The Stage show’ – 26 countries in 4 hours with 3 hosts and zero dignity.  It’s no surprise Eurovision’s so popular in Australia as it’s so relevant to our most recent leadership challenge.  It was tacky, thoroughly entertaining and the Australian public was not allowed to vote.

So nice to see Aladdin’s dad opening the show.  Great Azerbaijani rendition of “A whole new world.”  Sadly too many pillows clearly inhibited the flying rug taking off.  On top of that, if all those stewardesses are on stage with him as back-up dancers, who’s serving drinks on Etihad Airlines right now!?

It was particularly nice to see last year’s winners from Azerbaijan performing.  They were of course ‘Anonymous Arab girl’ joined by Charlie Pickering, dressed by ‘The Backstreet Boys’ collection.

So here’s a rundown from A to Ж – showing exactly what can be achieved when nations spend their gross national income on glitter rather than feeding their people. 

United Kingdom

Engelbert Humperdinck.  It’s so nice to see someone that was around to perform at the original Eurovision.  This is disappointing, now there’s a whole generation of kids out there who are going to think of Engelbert Humperdinck as ‘The man in black’ now rather than Johnny Cash.  It’s appropriate that the UK was ‘#1’ in the performance schedule, as that’s in all likelihood the number of votes they’re going to get.   UK, it doesn’t matter if you completely sucked.  You’re the official sponsor of the language for 96% of performances for the night.

Hungary

If the dress code was ‘Formal S&M’, you have dressed more than appropriately.  How are you all wearing so much leather?  Somewhere in Hungary a field of cows died needlessly.  On top of that, the performance was erratic, off beat and unsettling.  If this is indeed the “sound of our hearts” as the song title suggests, there’s a good chance you have a clogged artery and are about to have a heart attack.

Side Comment:  I like the intermittent cuts of Azerbaijanis playing polo.  It’s what I imagine England’s elite would look like if the Dubai oil boom keeps up.  It’s also what Ralph Lauren clothing will look like if they get bought out by a Saudi conglomerate.

Albania

One for the kids this one, because they finally get to see the wicked witch from all of those stories they’ve been reading.  Albania’s performer – the answer to the question ‘who bought locks of Bob Marley’s hair off eBay?’  The flag with a double-headed goose dragon on it, offers-up a ‘feast for the senses’.  In that their performance hurts your eyes, your ears whilst also managing to leave a nasty taste in your mouth.  For a country that is so heavily involved in the illegal organ trade, it’s clear they haven’t been dealing in musical wind instruments on the black market.  It makes sense to have had so much smoke on the stage during the performance though, because their performer would have had to have been smoking something good to think she was singing well.  There is something beautiful about Eurovision, and it is not Albania.  That song and her off-key performance gave me goose-bumps.  Not good goose-bumps either.  The kind of goose-bumps you get when you hear a paedophile has been relocated into a nearby housing estate.

Lithuania

Great commitment by Lithuania.  During the last performance the audience probably wished they’d had blindfolds and now the Lithuanian performer is wearing one.  Not sure about the glittered sparkles all over it – it look like Lady Gaga donated one of her Libra pads to your Eurovision cause.  Some call the blind performance ‘brilliant’, I call it disrespectful to performers like Stevie Wonder who aren’t blind by choice.  Not particularly original either.  Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse were performing blind on-stage years ago.  Good thing for Lithuania “love is blind”.  That means it didn’t have to see witness those dance moves then.

Bosnia-Herzegovina

The only country of the night to have a hyphen in their name, so that deserves credit.  It would be great if in keeping with that, mid-way through the performance the singer split into two parts.  Bosnia-Herzegovina, as you can see by their flag, is this evening proudly brought to you by ‘Bank of Queensland’.  The sad thing about the performance is they left the piano cover locked and forgot to let out past representative ‘Deen’ who suffocated two-thirds of the way through this performance.  First good song of the evening, but it’s a good indicator of where a country’s finances are at that they can only afford a performer, rented piano and a backing track.

Russia

‘Mother Russia’ becomes ‘Grandmother Russia’.  Not so much a performance as a ‘work for your pension’ scheme.  It’s also important to notice how the six Russian grandmothers get shorter from left to right because that’s how they all arrived in Baku – inside one another in two separate ‘Babushka dolls’.  Really catchy tune from the old ladies and I’m still humming it, but being able to remove your teeth does really enable you to harmonise well.  This is Russia’s take on LMFAO – it loosely translates as “I’m sexy and I’m Soviet”.  All these women are actually only in their 30s but it just goes to show you the toll a life of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll in the USSR takes on your body.  Ten points for knitting your own outfits.

Iceland

Ironically, for a country that gave us one of the most intense natural disasters of recent years, that spectacle did not rock my world.  Plus, you guys are to blame for Bjork and your country’s name is blatantly misleading.  Zero points for Iceland.  Twelve points for Disneyland.

Side Comment:  I find myself saying about so many of these songs, “this would sound so much better in another language.”  I also find myself playing the game with these duets “guess if these singers are sleeping together.”

Cyprus

Ivi Adamou from Cyprus – ‘the divided country’.  In the interests of balance, Ivi is Greek but her upper-lip hair is distinctly Turkish.  However, if being tone deaf was a disability, she surely got priority parking at the Eurovision arena.  For a country that’s given us Marcos Baghdatis, Halloumi cheese and a highly popular plant for the garden, this performance was not quite so popular.  Interesting fact though:  With the money they saved on the set, Cyprus was able to fly in two extra back-up dancers.  Turkey and Greece will share the six points I am giving you.

France

The Euro-zone financial struggles meant only half the performers for France could afford shirts.  Unemployment’s also clearly rife in France as they had to outsource their singer.  That being said, ‘vocal gymnastics’ in performing are nothing new but surely you’ve got to get points for separating the two and having live vocals and real gymnastics.  If you enjoyed Anggun’s performance, you can see her next week starring in Thailand’s version of ‘Ladette to Ladyboy’.

Italy

Italy’s performance was very appropriate for TV show ‘The Voice’, in that you got as much out of it by having your back turned to it as you did facing it.  A catchy tune but sorry my Italian friends, that was certainly not ‘one with the lot’.  As a sidenote, I’ve started doing a shot every time a performer winks at the camera.  I may not survive to see Sweden’s entry.  Yes, the song was performed in English but in keeping with Italian tradition, three back-up singers were docked points and red-carded off-camera for diving.  Bravo!

Estonia

Loved the tribute to Mr Bean in the intro with the spotlight shining down on the perfomer.  Eight points right off the bat for singing in your native tongue and hitting the right notes, bar one.  Sadly, you know you’re performance is too one-dimensional when the only option for the camera crew is to stick to a one-shot and repeatedly circle your face while ignoring the creepy ice-queen in the background.  Is she a ghost!?  If you were awarded points for movement, you my friend would be seeing less digits that the Greek National Bank.  Despite that, the Estonian community of Australia is going nuts right now!  I know this because I can hear both of them next door.

Norway

Hold the phones, we have ourselves another look-alike!  Sorry Collingwood but it looks like Sharrod Wellingham is going to be late for training again tomorrow.  ‘Tooji’ – if it wasn’t for Anders Breivik you would be the most disappointing male to come out of Norway in the last year.  You look like the member One Direction rejects.  Also, you don’t have to wear a hood on-stage, this is not 8-Mile.  I do however appreciate the inherent irony of your song being called ‘Stay’ while all throughout it I hoped you’d pack-up and leave.  Also, you had 1500 spotlights above you – it might have been worthwhile flicking one on your back-up singer.  That guy spent more time in the shadows than Jennifer Aniston’s brother.

Azerbaijan

The song was called “When the music dies”, which is also the theme for so many of the performances at Eurovision.  Another interesting fact: all of the chickens from which those feathers on performer, Sabina Babayeva’s dress were plucked were actually used to feed all of the performers at Eurovision 2012.  It was also interesting to see her dress doubling as a projector screen as well.  Adele is apparently doing the same thing with IMAX when she comes to Melbourne.  Babayeva should hold her head up high after that performance.  It’s tough to do of course with those enormous lips, but she should still give it a try.  She was of course singing in the ‘European’ language, which is English with the most intense accent you can apply to it.

Romania

Actually a very enjoyable performance.  Sadly Romania, most Americans still think you are ‘the capital of Italy’.  With a Latin-inspired performance that combined moon-walking, men in white suits, bagpipes and accordions, this officially makes it even harder for people to identify where exactly in the world your country is.  Certainly a classy performance from a country where there is no discernible class system.  People may not realise the skill required to be able to create all that music while playing no instruments.  Still, they did supply their own language – Ten points!

Denmark

Denmark’s music industry – the reason Princess Mary travels abroad so often.  Singer, Soluna Samay was apparently wearing a dead busker’s hat.  I can then only assume she was also wearing Muammar Gaddafi’s military shoulder pads.  In keeping with her busking past, the singer accepted dollars instead of points.  Greece gave no points.  Realistically, your song sounded a bit like Seal’s song ‘Crazy’.  If you’re not going to sing in your own language Denmark, then at least stick to creating apple and apricot-based pastries.

Greece

“Aphrodisiac” – The most aptly named song of the night.  The Greeks have a history of creating amazing pillars and the twin-set on singer, Eleftheria Eleftheriou are no exception.  The fact that you could even finance an entry and return airline ticket to Eurovision is admirable.  Definitely a catchy song that will no doubt have Greeks wishing they had money in their iTunes account to go download it immediately.  Lucky the Greeks didn’t win, as their budget will only allow for Eurovision to be held at the Parthenon.  You get extra credit for being able to pull-off traditional Greek dancing in heels.  This is the beauty of Eurovision, sometimes you see a performance that’s so good you can set it to mute and still enjoy.  12 points… for each leg!

Sweden

All I can say about Sweden’s performance is that someone clearly enjoyed the girl’s performance from horror movie ‘The Ring’ so much they had to have her represent Sweden.  Apparently the physical embodiment of a feeling of ‘euphoria’ manifests itself in the dance moves of MC Hammer and a tai chi enthusiast.  Not really sure what purpose Mr T. served at the end of the performance but it’s good to see him getting some post-Snickers work.  With a catchy dance track and simple lyrics, somewhere David Guetta just realised he could quite easily nab himself a Eurovision title next year.  This is about as Swedish as victory on the battlefield or anti-pornography laws.

Turkey

For a country named after a type of poultry, you’re not doing yourself any favours to be taken seriously.  Congrats to you for being able to get Sacha Baron Cohen to sing for you but that being said, your back-up dancers look like their mums sewed those costumes for a Turkish production of ‘Batman’.  I truly hope your ‘human ship’ is not indicative of Turkey’s naval fleet.  Those guys looked a little too comfortable ‘climbing aboard’ one another.  For those wondering, all that material - $15 at the Istanbul Spotlight store.  This gave me no Turkish delight.

Spain

The country whose language comes with an in-built lisp.  You sang beautifully, dressed elegantly, used your own language and were devoid of ‘kitsch’.  The fact that you made it through to the final of Eurovision is nothing short of a miracle.  Didn’t win but perhaps if the competition had been held on clay you would have had a better chance.  I give you five ‘hot tamales’ out of five!

Germany

For a nation that has fought the English in every major war you’ve been involved in, it’s surprising that for the fifth year in a row you’ve turned-up singing in their language.  Plus, someone should’ve told you that your lighting kind of makes it look like you’re performing from inside an upside-down sieve.  On top of that, your singer’s name is Roman Lob.  Seriously?  There’s no excuse for turning-up to a European competition with a singer named after an Italian football technique.  You only manage a NEIN out of ten from me.

Malta

80% of your name makes up a key ingredient in beer so you’re alright by me.  Although you must have drunk a lot of it before you went out and got four matching haircuts.  Not sure about the fingerless gardening glove on the lead singer either – it looks like a metrosexual Michael Jackson trying to do D.I.Y.  Not a horrible effort from the Maltese but you should definitely stick to producing delicious chocolate balls.  I hope you didn’t miss the opportunity to set your guitarists up on a double date with Jedward.

F.Y.R. Macedonia

Where do I start?  Perhaps that I’m really really thankful your singer wore pants and resisted the urge to don a mini-skirt.  If she is indeed a middle-aged bank teller as her appearance would suggest, that was an inspired performance.  Pity you couldn’t get a point for every letter in the title of your country or you could’ve cracked the top three.  F.Y.I. – Not a good claim to fame when Eurovision is older than your country.

Ireland

I really hope Jedward are wearing the military uniform of Ireland.  If so, there’s a good chance we can indict them on war crimes after that performance.  Either way, thanks to you boys, Star Wars’ C3-PO was left with nothing to wear on a Saturday night.  If ever there was a time for a pyrotechnics disaster, this was it.  The song was called “Waterline” so at the end of the performance you both walked straight into the water.  I hope you’re back next year with a song called ‘Firing line’.  At least we know what the twins from ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ have been doing since the show ended.

Serbia

What a performance from the country where more people will vote in a Eurovision tally than in their own presidential elections.  Also, the only member of the musical group ‘Yugoslavia’ to go on to have solo success after their break-up in the 90s.  You’ve got to admire the irony that three of the most prominent countries not in the Euro-zone made-up the top three in one of Europe’s biggest competitions.

Ukraine

Not to be entrusted with music or nuclear reactors.  It felt like they were scaring diabetics in the audience unnecessarily by having giant dancing jelly babies on the LCD screens during the performance.  Still, for a country whose chief export is cabbage-based jams and picked vegetables, it’s great they could send these guys here.

Moldova

It’s often the case that in life we save the best for last.  This is not true of Eurovision.  You’re really a country Moldova?  Really?  I now have even lower expectations of any series of ‘Moldova’s Got Talent.  If you’re going to join the long line of countries singing in English, it’s important that you know there is no ‘w’ in the word ‘lyrics’.  You sent a cobbler, and what I can only assume is every woman under the age of 60 from your country, to sing for you.  I give you five points – one for each hot girl on-stage.

So there you have it, a total re-cap of Eurovision 2012.  Special note: if you like any of the performers from tonight’s show, they will be available for mail-order purchase at the end of the week.  And remember, Eurovision does come only once a year, but fortunately the beautiful Julia Zemiro, the hilarious Sam Pang and regular euro-based SBS programming last all year long.  Goodbye Baku!